Wash Up and Receive a Sur‘Prize’

I am a random idea person. I think of things and say why not? My current idea is based off Cracker Jack’s and hygiene. In a world filled with germs and bacteria that have mutated into horrible diseases, people still don’t wash their hands. Not to mention, running water is located and readily available in all houses, yet people still smell. It is not like you can force people to take care of themselves or make them not be the next ‘Outbreak’ monkey. What we can do is trick them, by putting prizes at the bottom of all shampoo, soap, and body wash containers. That is right we will bribe them the way cereal companies used to do to young kids. Except you cannot easily empty a container of soap, like you can a bag of cereal to get to the prize. Thus forcing the consumer to actually use the product or risk never finding out what is sealed in that small black pouch at the bottom of the bottle. Sure there are some minor obstacles, bottle shape will have to be changed, but other than that there is no real downside to adding a 50 cent toy/temporary tattoo/small trinket to the hygiene market.

At some point you have to think outside of the box (over used expression) to reintroduce a product to society in hope to extend your current market share. Most companies do this by changing their logo or recipe, like Starbucks does every other month. Very rarely do companies take a risk outside of fancy advertising. Hines took a risk 10 years ago; when they made purple/green ketchup, of course that didn’t last long due to no one wanting to see something purple on their hot dog. It did though, get people to go out and try their product, which is half the battle in the fight to get people to reject their current brand loyalty.

I realize a reward in your soap will not get the whole world to stand up against disease and body odor, but you would be surprised by how many people are attracted to shiny objects and will wash their hands again.

State By State

There are people in this world that have really odd goals in life. One of the oddest goals I have ever heard of was a friend who wanted to have intimate relations with a girl in every state. Not specifically a different girl in every state, just in every state. His goal has inspired me to do one of my own. I am not one to steal someone else’s thunder, so my goal will be slightly different, and maybe even more difficult to accomplish. My goal is to have intimate relations with a girl named after every state. This means I don’t have to go through all the boring states like Nebraska, Maine and what not. I have come up with a couple rules, conditions, and guidelines for my goal. In no specific order:

1-First or last name count.
2-Stripper names DO NOT count, unless it is on their drivers license.
3-Always ID.
4-Fully knowing there is no one out there named New Hampshire, The word ‘new’ will be replaced by a virgin or someone under 20, but legal. Thus I just need to find a girl named Hampshire.
5-When it comes to directional states like North Dakota, the direction will be indicate by position. North means her on top, South her on the bottom and West means doggy style.
6-No girl can be used for more than one state, which means I need to find multiple Dakota’s and Carolinas.
7-In order to keep track I will buy one of those state sticker maps that you see on the back of Winnebagos and place it on the top of my Neon’s Trunk and fill in states as I go.

I understand on paper this sounds like a horrible thing, but we all need goals in life to motivate ourselves to reach new heights. This is mine. Could I have thought of a better one? Of course. Maybe someday I will have multiply goals, but that’s more of a dream of mine.

7 Steps to Getting Over Someone without Building a Bridge

Everyone gets there heartbroken at one time or another and has trouble recovering from it. People have many different techniques, solutions, and home remedies to deal with such pain. I have developed a 7 step processes which will help heal your wounds and move on.

1-Closure- Track down the one that broke your soul into 45 salty pieces and force them to explain their actions. Treat it like an exit interview. Dress nice, be polite, and thank them for everything. Make sure you get a nice list of reasons why it didn’t work out and things you could improve on in the future. This is not an easy thing to do, for you are either extremely bitter and/or extremely sad, so you are going to have to act. Your goal isn’t to make them feel horrible (that’s steps 5 and 6), just to get as much honest, constructive info about the reasons behind the dumping.

2-Rid your place of all reminders by way of fire- There are two ways to do this. You can either go the” mega bonfire” approach or watch each item burn individually. It all depends on how angry you are at the time. This is like welding the coffin shut, while cleansing your living area of reminders of that good for nothing ex, whose feet always smelled and actually liked Bon Jovi.

3- Immerse yourself in something else- you now have an ample slot of free time on your hands since losing the love of your life. So why not use that time to spend more time doing things you like, for example, hobbies, sports, playing video games, catching up with old friends or your Tivo. You also now have more than enough time to finally stalk that cute girl that works at the Starbucks around the corner.

4-Avoid all contact and interaction- This can be tough, but you don’t want to get the “creepy stalker” tag applied to you, for that will make step 6 more difficult. So stop driving by his/her house, calling her at 5am and hanging up and most of all following her around at the mall trying to make chance encounters. Also avoid his/her phone calls, little heads up; they are NOT calling to see if you want to get back together.

5- Work out/ make-over- Your new goal in life should not be to get him/her back, but to look as attractive as possible to attract a new mate. Then when you “accidentally” break step 4, you will plant a seed of “did I do the right thing? Person X is looking really good,” in their mind that has a chance to grow into a mighty oak tree of regret. This is basic mental warfare, and you must win the mind games to win the break-up.

6- Hook up with one of their friends- this is a double edged sword of great idea-ness. It will make your ex feel as distraught as you are/were, all while fulfilling moving on physically with another person. The main goal should be there best friend, but if that is not possible go for one of their lesser friends. Everyone has that one friend that would hook-up with their friends ex, it is just about being able to spot which one it is.

7-Release a bird from the pet store- At this point you have burned bridges to the point you could never have a functional relationship with the person that broke your heart, so you might as well do a symbolic gesture to your new freedom. Also if the fates would have it, that bird might one day poop on your ex’s car, guarantying you get the last laugh.

This program is pretty much flawless and I am willing to bet you cannot find a better one out there. Actually I dare you to try.