No 'Win' in Winter

The winter is long, harsh, and cold, especially in the land of Ohio. January is the worst, the excitement from the holiday season is over, and the warm glowing light at the end of the tunnel, called spring is too far in the distance to see. This leaves most people feeling down and depressed. Trying to find the motivation to get out of bed every morning gets harder and harder. It looks like midnight at 6pm, which only makes things worse. What is one to do? How do you fight through the ‘Cabin Fever’ and not end up like Rider Strong? You can attempt to embrace the situation you have, sled riding, snowboarding, ect, of course if there is no snow and it is still 10 degrees outside that is not really an option. You could stay in and have all the movie marathons you want, but that only dulls the pain. You can DVR The OC and watch people hang out in the warm sunny glow of California, but that will only lead to jealousy, envy, and a crush on the amazing Adam Brody. You could plan a trip to a warm place and then realize flights are expensive and you really have no vacation time till June, but it is the thought that counts. RIGHT. If you thought I had the answers or the cure you were mistaken. I might be an idea man, but some problems have no answers, although if there is no answer is it really a problem? Mull that over with some hot coco and a 1500 piece puzzle.

The Sly Code

One Friday night in a cold February way back in 2010, I sent my friend Ben a drunken text about watching the movie ‘Daylight,’ which lead me to the idea of a discreet code system involving Sylvester Stallone movies. I call it the ‘Sly Code’ you use a Stallone movie to basically refer to the situation you are currently in with a lady. The code is easy, all you do is text a friend what movie(s) you are watching and they automatically know the situation you are in. I will warn you, it is a fairly graphic code and is not meant for the meek.

Daylight- Not having sex… There could be many reasons why, but the person receiving the text will find it hilarious due to the others misfortune.
The Expendables- One night stand… Some good explosions and you are gone like Dolph Lundgren’s acting Career.
First Blood- Virgin territory…Hopefully there will be sequels otherwise you are just a horrible person.
Cop Land- Minor…you should always ID, but sometimes things happen.
Assassins- Cock Blocked… People will try and prevent you from hooking up, and these people are horrible, no good, very bad people.
Demolition Man- Cock Blocker…You are cock blocking others around you. For it is hilarious and very entertaining to see the frustration on other people’s faces.
Judge Dredd- You got caught… or you are wearing a helmet, but most likely you got caught
The Specialist- Third base… It is a skill.
Cliffhanger- Blue Balls… The only thing worse than Daylight
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot- Cougar…I use the term ‘Cougar’ loosely for it basically refers to any old woman, no matter how attractive.
Tango & Cash- Threesome…If by chance it is a ‘Devils Threesome,’ it becomes Tango & Tango
Rocky 1 thru 5-Ranking system of how crazy/insane a situation is…Rocky being your run of the mill situation, Rocky V being ‘I don’t know how we got to this point.’
Rocky Balboa- I am in a situation which we will never speak of ever again, it never happened, don’t ask me about this in the morning… I hope I never have to use this one.

It is possible to have a double or triple feature or even to start off with one movie just to switch it half way through.

Example- I was watching ‘Cop Land,’ but realized it was a bad idea so I watched ‘Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot,’ instead, which was also a bad idea.

I am sure women can also use this code system, but I feel like Reese Witherspoon or Kate Hudson movies would be more fitting.

For The Birds

Is it awkward I keep binoculars in my car? It is totally for bird watching, I mean what other use could there be? I like to think when I use them it is fairly obvious, it’s not like my windows are tinted, and it would be dumb for me to just sit in my car and peer into people’s house windows or stare at people as they walk down the street. I love looking at birds from afar; I have seen so many different kinds thru my binoculars, red ones, blue ones, attractive ones, and ducks, some birds with very pretty tail feathers others with tail feathers that could use some work. None of that is awkward at all. It is natural, like nature, it is there to be observed. Sometimes to get a better look at the birds I have to hide in bushes so I don’t scare them off. Other times I climb up into trees to get a closer look, for binoculars can only magnify so much. I must say sometimes it gets really hot in the bush or tree and I am forced to remove my paints. Also it helps prevent me from ripping them on branches, for that would be embarrassing wandering around with ripped pants. So if you look out your window some time and you see me in a tree with no pants on and it appears that I am peering into your bathroom window, I am not looking at you, there is just a really cool bird on your roof. So no need to call the cops or get creeped out. I just realllly enjoy nature.

State By State

There are people in this world that have really odd goals in life. One of the oddest goals I have ever heard of was a friend who wanted to have intimate relations with a girl in every state. Not specifically a different girl in every state, just in every state. His goal has inspired me to do one of my own. I am not one to steal someone else’s thunder, so my goal will be slightly different, and maybe even more difficult to accomplish. My goal is to have intimate relations with a girl named after every state. This means I don’t have to go through all the boring states like Nebraska, Maine and what not. I have come up with a couple rules, conditions, and guidelines for my goal. In no specific order:

1-First or last name count.
2-Stripper names DO NOT count, unless it is on their drivers license.
3-Always ID.
4-Fully knowing there is no one out there named New Hampshire, The word ‘new’ will be replaced by a virgin or someone under 20, but legal. Thus I just need to find a girl named Hampshire.
5-When it comes to directional states like North Dakota, the direction will be indicate by position. North means her on top, South her on the bottom and West means doggy style.
6-No girl can be used for more than one state, which means I need to find multiple Dakota’s and Carolinas.
7-In order to keep track I will buy one of those state sticker maps that you see on the back of Winnebagos and place it on the top of my Neon’s Trunk and fill in states as I go.

I understand on paper this sounds like a horrible thing, but we all need goals in life to motivate ourselves to reach new heights. This is mine. Could I have thought of a better one? Of course. Maybe someday I will have multiply goals, but that’s more of a dream of mine.

7 Steps to Getting Over Someone without Building a Bridge

Everyone gets there heartbroken at one time or another and has trouble recovering from it. People have many different techniques, solutions, and home remedies to deal with such pain. I have developed a 7 step processes which will help heal your wounds and move on.

1-Closure- Track down the one that broke your soul into 45 salty pieces and force them to explain their actions. Treat it like an exit interview. Dress nice, be polite, and thank them for everything. Make sure you get a nice list of reasons why it didn’t work out and things you could improve on in the future. This is not an easy thing to do, for you are either extremely bitter and/or extremely sad, so you are going to have to act. Your goal isn’t to make them feel horrible (that’s steps 5 and 6), just to get as much honest, constructive info about the reasons behind the dumping.

2-Rid your place of all reminders by way of fire- There are two ways to do this. You can either go the” mega bonfire” approach or watch each item burn individually. It all depends on how angry you are at the time. This is like welding the coffin shut, while cleansing your living area of reminders of that good for nothing ex, whose feet always smelled and actually liked Bon Jovi.

3- Immerse yourself in something else- you now have an ample slot of free time on your hands since losing the love of your life. So why not use that time to spend more time doing things you like, for example, hobbies, sports, playing video games, catching up with old friends or your Tivo. You also now have more than enough time to finally stalk that cute girl that works at the Starbucks around the corner.

4-Avoid all contact and interaction- This can be tough, but you don’t want to get the “creepy stalker” tag applied to you, for that will make step 6 more difficult. So stop driving by his/her house, calling her at 5am and hanging up and most of all following her around at the mall trying to make chance encounters. Also avoid his/her phone calls, little heads up; they are NOT calling to see if you want to get back together.

5- Work out/ make-over- Your new goal in life should not be to get him/her back, but to look as attractive as possible to attract a new mate. Then when you “accidentally” break step 4, you will plant a seed of “did I do the right thing? Person X is looking really good,” in their mind that has a chance to grow into a mighty oak tree of regret. This is basic mental warfare, and you must win the mind games to win the break-up.

6- Hook up with one of their friends- this is a double edged sword of great idea-ness. It will make your ex feel as distraught as you are/were, all while fulfilling moving on physically with another person. The main goal should be there best friend, but if that is not possible go for one of their lesser friends. Everyone has that one friend that would hook-up with their friends ex, it is just about being able to spot which one it is.

7-Release a bird from the pet store- At this point you have burned bridges to the point you could never have a functional relationship with the person that broke your heart, so you might as well do a symbolic gesture to your new freedom. Also if the fates would have it, that bird might one day poop on your ex’s car, guarantying you get the last laugh.

This program is pretty much flawless and I am willing to bet you cannot find a better one out there. Actually I dare you to try.