Bad Idea #1452

My random bad idea of the day is that every movie with a happy ending should have a depressing alternate ending on the DVD. It doesn’t have to be anything super long, just a 5 minute ending where Jafar ends up marrying Jasmine or Lex Luther finally defeats superman. This sounds fairly pessimistic, but sometimes you want to watch a movie with a depressing and shocking ending. This works both ways. I would like to think movies with sad endings should also have happy endings. Jack and Rose both make it off the ship. Goose by some miracle of modern science, has his soul put into Mavericks plane, much like the TV’s Knight Rider. Actually that last idea what make a great Top Gun sequel.

Warning- Not About Any One Couple

This is a general commentary on relationships in general, if you think this is about you or your current relationship, you obviously need to do some self examining. With this said, this is not based on me either. I am not narcissistic enough to write about myself. i am not really that interesting of a person.

I find it very painful to watch couples just go through the motions with no real feeling or passion behind their actions. It is like watching a car crash in slow motion, you hate to see it, but you can’t look away. Every couple has a reason for it, some are just in temporary funks, and others know it is time to break up, but neither wants to go through the hassle. I am not sure if it is laziness or optimism that keeps these couples together. They think ‘eh whatever, I’m content’ or just maybe better times are around the bend. How long do you wait? Sure, friends, family, psychologists, will throw in their 2 cents, but none of that really matters, it is those actually involved that have to make the call. People are just looking for reassurance that they are making the right call in their life, they don’t want to hear the truth. In the end it is there life, no one is truly losing sleep over a flawed relationship, other then the people actually involved in it, and even then they may not be losing sleep over it.

The heart can want numerous things at the same time; I think that is why there are four chambers to every heart, plenty of room for storage. At some point you have to let go of the dusty old bland boy/girlfriend that is sitting there just as unsatisfied as you. Make room for something much bigger. Sure it is scary; no one truly likes the idea of being alone. You need to think of it as recycling; once you get rid of the old, both of you have the opportunity to find new people that will completely fill all four chambers of your heart and not just that one room. Your current ‘eh maybe it’s love’ will be someone else’s Noah. And you will find someone else’s recycled lover and be truly and deeply happy for the first time in your life. Of course the true irony of this, is that it is so easy to talk about, but never easy to do. Actually, not sure that is irony at all, it is actually just depressing.

An 'Eve'l Song

I am a fairly superstitious person. I have lucky underwear. I don’t walk under ladders. Black cats freak me out. I also have what I consider an ominous song. A song that whenever I hear it, something bad or extremely unlucky happens to me. The song is the classic 90’s song ‘Inside Out’ by Eve 6. I loved that song in my younger years, but then bad, random things started happening to me. You are probably thinking it is just some sort of odd coincidence, but here are some facts to back up my claim. Anytime I listened to it before a high school cross country meet I would either run horribly or get injured. The song was playing on the radio the first time I got pulled over. It was on a mixed CD, the second time I was pulled over 2 years later. It took me 4 years to figure out the negativeness that is associated with this song and since then I have been avoiding it like the plague. Of course I have chance encounters with it on the radio, like the day I found out I was getting let go at work. I also played it on a road trip just to prove to my travel companion that it was unlucky. My car overheated and broke down in the middle of nowhere an hour after it played. One or two events might be coincidence, but this is a trend that won’t go out of fashion. So next time you hear ‘Inside Out,’ think of me and hope that I am not trapped in the bottom of a well due to hearing the song earlier in the day.

Great Bad Movies

I have recently come across to many people that have not seen the instant David Bowie classic ‘Labyrinth’. This irrationally bothers me in ways I can’t even explain. It is no secret I love crappy movies, especially from the 80’s and early 90’s, back in the days when movies didn’t have epic budgets, special effects where horrible, and no one took movie making too seriously. The following is a list of old movies everyone should see at least once in their life. In no particular order:

-Legend…Tom Cruise + Unicorns + Ridley Scott= Amazing
-Labyrinth… David Bowie + Jim Henson + George Lucas + singing = CAN’T MISS
-Brave Little Toaster… Appliances Come Alive + fun animation =poor man’s Toy Story
-Milo and Otis… Cute Puppy + Adorable Kitten + mischief = a hobo’s Homeward Bound
-Willow… Val Kilmore + a little person + medieval times= Lord of the Rings
-They Live…Roddy Piper + Undercover Aliens – Bubble Gum = KICK ASS
-Angus… Fat Kid + Skinny kid + James Van Der Beek= 90’s version of any Molly Ringwald movie
-Joe Verses the Volcano…Tom Hanks + Meg Ryan +Meg Ryan + Meg Ryan=Epic Adventure
-Weekend at Bernie’s 2…Reanimated corpse + The Single Guy + Andrew McCarthy= Vacation for the brain
-Killer Klowns from Outer Space…Clowns + Alien invasion + Cotton Candy= Reason to fear clowns
-Stay Tuned… John Ritter + Satan + Trapped in a TV= Must watch TV
-Short Circuit (1 & 2)…Robot + Lightening = Johnny 5 is ALIVE
-Gremlins 2: The New Batch…NYC + Gremlins + Phoebe Cats = Hilarity
-Mom and Dad Save the World…Jon Lovits + Spaceballs – Mel Brooks =Just a bad movie all around
-Flash Gordon… Ashton Kutcher wannabe + James Bond + Space Travel = A real trip
-Masters of the Universe… He-man + Monica from friends- annoyingness = Nightmares, but the good kind

Sure this list could go on forever, but these are the crucial ones. By no means are these movies great in any real sense of why people would usually like a movie (exception being labyrinth) and all need to be viewed with a certain grain of salt, but they all fill a certain whole in one’s heart, soul, and mind.

Wash Up and Receive a Sur‘Prize’

I am a random idea person. I think of things and say why not? My current idea is based off Cracker Jack’s and hygiene. In a world filled with germs and bacteria that have mutated into horrible diseases, people still don’t wash their hands. Not to mention, running water is located and readily available in all houses, yet people still smell. It is not like you can force people to take care of themselves or make them not be the next ‘Outbreak’ monkey. What we can do is trick them, by putting prizes at the bottom of all shampoo, soap, and body wash containers. That is right we will bribe them the way cereal companies used to do to young kids. Except you cannot easily empty a container of soap, like you can a bag of cereal to get to the prize. Thus forcing the consumer to actually use the product or risk never finding out what is sealed in that small black pouch at the bottom of the bottle. Sure there are some minor obstacles, bottle shape will have to be changed, but other than that there is no real downside to adding a 50 cent toy/temporary tattoo/small trinket to the hygiene market.

At some point you have to think outside of the box (over used expression) to reintroduce a product to society in hope to extend your current market share. Most companies do this by changing their logo or recipe, like Starbucks does every other month. Very rarely do companies take a risk outside of fancy advertising. Hines took a risk 10 years ago; when they made purple/green ketchup, of course that didn’t last long due to no one wanting to see something purple on their hot dog. It did though, get people to go out and try their product, which is half the battle in the fight to get people to reject their current brand loyalty.

I realize a reward in your soap will not get the whole world to stand up against disease and body odor, but you would be surprised by how many people are attracted to shiny objects and will wash their hands again.

Strokes... NOT Jokes... How About Neither

I just saw a commercial about seeking medical attention if you think you are having a stroke (I back that idea up complexly). The commercial seemed to be a parody off what I can only imagine being Sinbad’s standup comedy about someone having a stroke. What really got me was the fact they ended with the catch phrase “Strokes No Joke.” I recognize what they are going for, what I don’t get is why they are trying to convey a very serious message with a catch phrase that rhymes. No one takes rhyming seriously. “Hugs, Not Drug” didn’t really change the world, but did make a great new t-shirt idea for hipsters. Which is good, for the pot smokers wearing D.A.R.E t-shirt shtick is so 2003. Although, seeing how I am writing about this slogan, maybe it did work, it got the message across, I remember what it was talking about, but it failed in getting me to take it seriously. I think The American Stroke Association was aiming at a satiric approach, but that may not be the best approach, but hey, what do I know, I only have a degree in marketing.

Awkward Turtle in an Awkward Land

Who doesn’t enjoy a good awkward moment? Bumping into an ex buying condoms or someone talking about their parents having sex. One’s ability to deal with awkward situations is a good definition of what type of person they are. There are four basic reactions to any awkward moment, Fight, Flight, Foster, or Oblivious (sadly couldn’t think of another F-word).

Fight- You stand your ground and try to deflect as much of the awkwardness as possible. Your goal is to eliminate the current awkwardness and prevent any potential future awkwardness. Quick thinking and the ability to make light of the situation is key to success otherwise you will be perceived as a ‘Fosterer.’
Flight- You look for a way out of the current conversation or situation. Sometimes it results in trying to pretend this isn’t awkward, hiding, or just running away. Sudden perfuse perspiration, inability to make eye contact and an apparent feeling that someone just cranked the heat up are very common symptoms.
Foster- You recognizes how awkward the situation is and then try to escalate it to new more awkward heights. Why would one do this? There are many reasons, I tend to do this just to see how far I can push something and then try to see if I can maneuver my way back out of it. I don’t think it is healthy, but it is a lot of fun.
Oblivious- You have absolutely no idea that you are in an awkward moment or situation, but yet you sense something is a little off. You will usually verbalize this with an untimely phrase along the lines of ‘this is awkward’ or ‘I feel like there is something going on.’

Many people use all of these at one point or another, but usually lean on one as a crutch. There is no right way to handle an awkward situation. If there was, it wouldn’t be awkward. Each situation comes with its own obstacles (location, time, people involved, Etc) and one’s emotional state can dictate how everything plays out. One tip I will give you for preparation of your next awkward moment, the more serious to take it, the more awkward and excruciating it is going to be.