To many times we give people a ‘pass’ when they do something stupid on their birthday. Shouldn’t we give their mother a ‘pass’ on their child’s birthday? Basically aren’t we celebrating the fact that the mother decided to have unprotected sex and not abort our good friend Allen? Shouldn’t we be sending those that raised our morally challenged pal, a gift for installing in Allen the ability to put off natural selection for 1 more year? Really what did the birthday person do to deserve a celebration? The answer is nothing. It is almost like rewarding them for using a toilet and not the kitchen sink.
Don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with people that celebrate their birthday in grand style. My roommate goes over the top every year, and I don’t complain. Granted I do mock her when she tries to drag it across 3 months or claims that the universe owes her because it’s her birthday. Birthdays make no sense to me at all. All it is, is a good excuse to party, which is why I am all for holidays like Labor Day and Presidents Day. It is a day where it is all about ‘LOOK AT ME,’ ‘HONOR ME,’ I am surprisingly not that type of person. I want to start a trend where people send cards to the parents of the birthday person and not the actual birthday person. Mix it up a bit. It would open up a whole new market for the greeting card industry and people will use the postal service again. In fact, it might just end the recession.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Looney ‘Auto-Tunes’
My mind tends to wander from time to time when I am bored with the conversations going on around me. This leads to many obscure observations and random realizations. One such recent observation is that every Looney Tunes character has some sort of speech impediment (Lisps, stutters, cluttering, dysprosody, spitting and muteness to name a few). The only one that I can think of that doesn’t have some sort of verbal issue is Marvin the Martin and he doesn’t even have a mouth, which is an issue in itself. I have a few theories on why, but none of them hold any real merit.
1-Warner Brothers wants to raise awareness of speech issues.
DEBUNKED- There are a lot more effective ways of raising awareness, without mocking people with ‘disabilities.’
2-When animals evolve; there will be a certain learning curve when it comes to speaking
DEBUNKED-This still doesn’t explain Yosemite Sam or Elmer Fudd.
3-The voice over people all had voice issues.
DEBUNKED-This would be like an amputee being a hand model. Not very likely.
The only thing that really makes sense is that they decided to give them speaking issues for the pure fact of making a quick easy joke at the expense of people with real issues. Appealing to what I like to call ‘barbarianistic humor’ which is making jokes at the expensive of people with issues that can’t be helped. This is also why characters like Speedy Gonzales (really annoying Mexican), Pepe Le Pew (Horny Frenchmen), and Daffy Duck (Angry Black Duck) are based solely off stereotypes. Granted these characters were created in a time when there was no real politically correctness and you could get away with just about anything. Although I think Pang the Panda that loved to take pictures would have made a great character. I have really solved nothing from writing this, but I hope I raised some awareness.
1-Warner Brothers wants to raise awareness of speech issues.
DEBUNKED- There are a lot more effective ways of raising awareness, without mocking people with ‘disabilities.’
2-When animals evolve; there will be a certain learning curve when it comes to speaking
DEBUNKED-This still doesn’t explain Yosemite Sam or Elmer Fudd.
3-The voice over people all had voice issues.
DEBUNKED-This would be like an amputee being a hand model. Not very likely.
The only thing that really makes sense is that they decided to give them speaking issues for the pure fact of making a quick easy joke at the expense of people with real issues. Appealing to what I like to call ‘barbarianistic humor’ which is making jokes at the expensive of people with issues that can’t be helped. This is also why characters like Speedy Gonzales (really annoying Mexican), Pepe Le Pew (Horny Frenchmen), and Daffy Duck (Angry Black Duck) are based solely off stereotypes. Granted these characters were created in a time when there was no real politically correctness and you could get away with just about anything. Although I think Pang the Panda that loved to take pictures would have made a great character. I have really solved nothing from writing this, but I hope I raised some awareness.
Friday, January 7, 2011
I Dream of Zombie Apocalypses
It is no secret that I have a very active imagination, which tends to cross over into my dreams. Lately I have been having a lot of zombie apocalypse dreams, which I really enjoy, for when the world ends; I really hope it is due to zombies. Don’t act like secretly you don’t agree with me. Last night I had a very vivid dream about the zombie apocalypse and here is what I learned.
-The zombie uprising will not be caused by the government; instead a witch’s spell will cause the dead to rise
-Donald Faison (Turk from scrubs) will lead the resistance, after Sigourney Weaver has a mental break down due to her inability to live up to the standards of her character Ripley in the Alien movies.
-Even in the Apocalypse, I will not be able to drive stick shift, but it is incredibly easy to learn when being chased by zombies.
-Spiders don’t turn into zombies, but they do grow to be at least 5 times normal size
-Zombies really like Johnny Depp movies and Joel Silver movies… they horde them, no idea if they know how to use a DVD player.
-Rosanne lives amongst the zombies as a cook, even though she has not yet been bitten. They are friends.
-There is such thing as Zombie on Zombie crime.
-Zombies love to eat Christmas decorations, when brains are lacking, this is what they go for
-all of you get turned into zombies. Sorry
-The resistance lives in a closet that leads somewhere…I woke up at that point.
Now you can try and analyze this all you want, but these are the facts as I jotted them down at 4am.
-The zombie uprising will not be caused by the government; instead a witch’s spell will cause the dead to rise
-Donald Faison (Turk from scrubs) will lead the resistance, after Sigourney Weaver has a mental break down due to her inability to live up to the standards of her character Ripley in the Alien movies.
-Even in the Apocalypse, I will not be able to drive stick shift, but it is incredibly easy to learn when being chased by zombies.
-Spiders don’t turn into zombies, but they do grow to be at least 5 times normal size
-Zombies really like Johnny Depp movies and Joel Silver movies… they horde them, no idea if they know how to use a DVD player.
-Rosanne lives amongst the zombies as a cook, even though she has not yet been bitten. They are friends.
-There is such thing as Zombie on Zombie crime.
-Zombies love to eat Christmas decorations, when brains are lacking, this is what they go for
-all of you get turned into zombies. Sorry
-The resistance lives in a closet that leads somewhere…I woke up at that point.
Now you can try and analyze this all you want, but these are the facts as I jotted them down at 4am.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Waldo....WHERE ARE YOU
When it comes to ranking frustrating things in life, Finding Waldo has to be number one, followed distantly by ‘figuring out the opposite sex.’ Sure Waldo is easy to find most the time, but there is always one picture where it is almost impossible to find him. The most frustrating part of the whole thing is when you realize that 5 year olds, who can’t write their own name, can find him in under a minute and you with your vast intellect are left clueless. The more you look for him, the harder it gets. 5 minutes pass, 14 minutes pass, next thing you know you are thinking of going all Vincent Van Gogh and cutting off your ear. As you search and search you start to go through the 5 stages of Waldo-ism. First is Denial, where you don’t believe that Waldo is actually in the picture. Second is the anger phase, where you curse, yell, and throw the book across the room. The third stage is bargaining. You try to strike a deal with anyone you can find to point out where Waldo is. Of course no one will point him out to you for they either can’t find him or are extremely amused by your ineptitude. The fourth stage is depression. You collapse to the floor in the fetal position moaning and crying. The last stage is acceptance. You realize that you can’t find him and you move on to the next page. The 5 stages of Waldo-ism might seem familiar to you, due to it being the same as the 5 stages of grief. This is by no means a coincidence, for grief is derived from one’s inability to find Waldo in the simplest of settings. Plus, the grief people can’t come up with an original idea, due to them being too focused on their own irreconcilable anguish. So when dabbling in the world of Waldo, I warn you to be careful, for if there was ever a starter drug for extreme pain and heartache, it would start with a question, ‘Where is Waldo???’
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Year Resolution-1 You-0
The following is part 3 of a 3 part series on New Year Resolutions
95 percent of people fail to complete their New Year Resolution, according to me. So congratulation is due to the 5 percent that actually complete their goal(s). This raises the question of what do you do once you have failed. You could take the route of “I am a complete failure and no one will ever love me” or the ever popular, “well, everyone breaks resolutions, so whatever.” Where ever you fall on the spectrum, you need some sort plan to deal with your failure. Here are some options:
The Rebound Goal- It doesn’t have to be a resolution, just a goal that you can reach and be proud of. It could be as simple as getting out of bed in the morning. You just need something you can do to feel good about yourself
Jump Back on the Wagon- If by chance you relapsed and started smoking again or eating cake for dinner again, you always have the option to make another crack at your resolution. No need to wait till next year.
Get a Puppy- You will forget about anything that is unimportant (Which most resolutions are). Granted if you don’t want a puppy, shiny objects also work for a lot of people.
Denial- Pretend you did complete your goal. Never underestimate the power of faking it; this should come easily to women. So go out and celebrate like you’re an actual winner, no one will know that you are a failure to the core.
Just remember it is not the end of the world if you fail at your resolution. The sun will still come up tomorrow, no need to be down on yourself, it just proves you are not a mentally strong person, and fairly weak. No one is perfect.
95 percent of people fail to complete their New Year Resolution, according to me. So congratulation is due to the 5 percent that actually complete their goal(s). This raises the question of what do you do once you have failed. You could take the route of “I am a complete failure and no one will ever love me” or the ever popular, “well, everyone breaks resolutions, so whatever.” Where ever you fall on the spectrum, you need some sort plan to deal with your failure. Here are some options:
The Rebound Goal- It doesn’t have to be a resolution, just a goal that you can reach and be proud of. It could be as simple as getting out of bed in the morning. You just need something you can do to feel good about yourself
Jump Back on the Wagon- If by chance you relapsed and started smoking again or eating cake for dinner again, you always have the option to make another crack at your resolution. No need to wait till next year.
Get a Puppy- You will forget about anything that is unimportant (Which most resolutions are). Granted if you don’t want a puppy, shiny objects also work for a lot of people.
Denial- Pretend you did complete your goal. Never underestimate the power of faking it; this should come easily to women. So go out and celebrate like you’re an actual winner, no one will know that you are a failure to the core.
Just remember it is not the end of the world if you fail at your resolution. The sun will still come up tomorrow, no need to be down on yourself, it just proves you are not a mentally strong person, and fairly weak. No one is perfect.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Bad News (Year) Resolutions
The following is part 2 of a 3 part series on New Year Resolutions
Just like people, not every resolution can be a winner. We have all done this before, made horrible resolutions, tried to keep them then failed due to the absurdity of thinking a resolution will fix some broken aspect of your life. Here are 7 resolutions you should NEVER make.
- To Fall In Love- You can’t force love, what you are going to do is trick yourself that you are in love, and then base all future love off a misconception brought to you by the fruits of a resolution.
-Drink/Smoke more- YEAH, you’re so cool and edgy; I bet you are such a bad ass and get all the ladies. Or you have the maturity of a 16 year old. If you are actually 16, I will let it slide.
- Have Sex in a Canoe-YEAH, you’re so cool and edgy; I bet no one has thought of that one. First, you need to find a partner crazy enough to do it. Second, you both have to be fairly coordinated so you don’t tip it. Third, you need to find a canoe. Of course if you are being ironically sarcastic about it. Then you are fine…and NO, I don’t know what ‘Ironically Sarcastic’ means.
- Invent a Word or Phrase That Will ‘Catch On’- You are going to come off like an idiot for a good few months while you try to incorporate “Flemtastical” or “Ironically Sarcastic’ into your everyday language. Your friends are just going to mock you mercilessly. You’re not on the Jersey Shore or a musical artist; it is not going to work. So please stop saying, “I’m just being Selena”
- To Be Popular- Your life is not a ‘She’s All That’ make-over away from making you a ‘popular’ person. You can’t just do everything in a Nada Surf song and suddenly be the guy/girl everyone wants to be.
-To be Healthy and Happy- That sounds simple, but you really cannot control either of those things. Sure you can work out and take vitamins, but that doesn’t make you invincible. You can listen to your happy song and do things that make you happy as much as you want, but you are still going to have bad days or become immune to what makes you happy.
-To No Longer be a Procrastinator- Zebras can’t change their stripes anymore then a procrastinator can stop putting things off. Which is why you will file your taxes the day they are due, you will be pulling an all nighter the day before a big project at work, and you will not go grocery shopping till you have no food left in your house.
This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to Resolutions. There are many more horrible one's out there and if you think yours might be a bad one. It probably is.
Just like people, not every resolution can be a winner. We have all done this before, made horrible resolutions, tried to keep them then failed due to the absurdity of thinking a resolution will fix some broken aspect of your life. Here are 7 resolutions you should NEVER make.
- To Fall In Love- You can’t force love, what you are going to do is trick yourself that you are in love, and then base all future love off a misconception brought to you by the fruits of a resolution.
-Drink/Smoke more- YEAH, you’re so cool and edgy; I bet you are such a bad ass and get all the ladies. Or you have the maturity of a 16 year old. If you are actually 16, I will let it slide.
- Have Sex in a Canoe-YEAH, you’re so cool and edgy; I bet no one has thought of that one. First, you need to find a partner crazy enough to do it. Second, you both have to be fairly coordinated so you don’t tip it. Third, you need to find a canoe. Of course if you are being ironically sarcastic about it. Then you are fine…and NO, I don’t know what ‘Ironically Sarcastic’ means.
- Invent a Word or Phrase That Will ‘Catch On’- You are going to come off like an idiot for a good few months while you try to incorporate “Flemtastical” or “Ironically Sarcastic’ into your everyday language. Your friends are just going to mock you mercilessly. You’re not on the Jersey Shore or a musical artist; it is not going to work. So please stop saying, “I’m just being Selena”
- To Be Popular- Your life is not a ‘She’s All That’ make-over away from making you a ‘popular’ person. You can’t just do everything in a Nada Surf song and suddenly be the guy/girl everyone wants to be.
-To be Healthy and Happy- That sounds simple, but you really cannot control either of those things. Sure you can work out and take vitamins, but that doesn’t make you invincible. You can listen to your happy song and do things that make you happy as much as you want, but you are still going to have bad days or become immune to what makes you happy.
-To No Longer be a Procrastinator- Zebras can’t change their stripes anymore then a procrastinator can stop putting things off. Which is why you will file your taxes the day they are due, you will be pulling an all nighter the day before a big project at work, and you will not go grocery shopping till you have no food left in your house.
This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to Resolutions. There are many more horrible one's out there and if you think yours might be a bad one. It probably is.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
So These Are My New Year Resolutions
The following is part 1 of a 4 part series on my take on everything New Year resolution…granted by the time I am done with this series I will have broken all my resolutions.
With the New Year upon us, comes a time where people make resolutions, but what is considered a resolution? This is always up to conjecture from many people so let me clarify. A resolution is a goal to improve a self assessed flaw or to complete tasks from previous years. So for example, wanting to go white water rafting is NOT a resolution, but wanting to be more adventurous is. The exception to the rule is if there is an extensive training process to reach that goal. For example running a race.
My New Year resolutions are going to go as followed. I am taking a 3 pronged approach to self improvement (body, soul, and mind).
Body- The plan is to do yoga 4 times a week, in hopes I will be flexible and balanced enough to complete my resolution to have sex in a canoe. Granted I am already fairly flexible, but I do need to work on my balance.
Soul-I am finally going to learn to play the guitar, I figure if I practice an hour a day I will be able to bare my soul in the form of lovely music like John Mayer in no time. My goal is to do an acoustic cover of Whitney Houston’s ‘Dance with somebody’ on my Birthday in November.
Mind- I have a tendency to start books and then not finish them. With that being said I am going to finish all the books I have started over the years to give me closure, improve my spelling, and knowledge. The books in no specific order are:
1984 by George Orwell
Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman
How to Write a Movie in 21 Days by Viki King
Congratulations! Now What by Bill Cosby
Before You Leap by Kermit the Frog
Deception Point by Dan Brown
Encyclopedia Volume A (really going to regret my NY Resolution of 2006 to read a set of encyclopedias)
One should always have 2-3 resolutions. More than 3 will stretch you to thin. If you have only 1 you don’t have a back up to fall back on when you break the first.
With the New Year upon us, comes a time where people make resolutions, but what is considered a resolution? This is always up to conjecture from many people so let me clarify. A resolution is a goal to improve a self assessed flaw or to complete tasks from previous years. So for example, wanting to go white water rafting is NOT a resolution, but wanting to be more adventurous is. The exception to the rule is if there is an extensive training process to reach that goal. For example running a race.
My New Year resolutions are going to go as followed. I am taking a 3 pronged approach to self improvement (body, soul, and mind).
Body- The plan is to do yoga 4 times a week, in hopes I will be flexible and balanced enough to complete my resolution to have sex in a canoe. Granted I am already fairly flexible, but I do need to work on my balance.
Soul-I am finally going to learn to play the guitar, I figure if I practice an hour a day I will be able to bare my soul in the form of lovely music like John Mayer in no time. My goal is to do an acoustic cover of Whitney Houston’s ‘Dance with somebody’ on my Birthday in November.
Mind- I have a tendency to start books and then not finish them. With that being said I am going to finish all the books I have started over the years to give me closure, improve my spelling, and knowledge. The books in no specific order are:
1984 by George Orwell
Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman
How to Write a Movie in 21 Days by Viki King
Congratulations! Now What by Bill Cosby
Before You Leap by Kermit the Frog
Deception Point by Dan Brown
Encyclopedia Volume A (really going to regret my NY Resolution of 2006 to read a set of encyclopedias)
One should always have 2-3 resolutions. More than 3 will stretch you to thin. If you have only 1 you don’t have a back up to fall back on when you break the first.
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