Bad News (Year) Resolutions

The following is part 2 of a 3 part series on New Year Resolutions

Just like people, not every resolution can be a winner. We have all done this before, made horrible resolutions, tried to keep them then failed due to the absurdity of thinking a resolution will fix some broken aspect of your life. Here are 7 resolutions you should NEVER make.

- To Fall In Love- You can’t force love, what you are going to do is trick yourself that you are in love, and then base all future love off a misconception brought to you by the fruits of a resolution.
-Drink/Smoke more- YEAH, you’re so cool and edgy; I bet you are such a bad ass and get all the ladies. Or you have the maturity of a 16 year old. If you are actually 16, I will let it slide.
- Have Sex in a Canoe-YEAH, you’re so cool and edgy; I bet no one has thought of that one. First, you need to find a partner crazy enough to do it. Second, you both have to be fairly coordinated so you don’t tip it. Third, you need to find a canoe. Of course if you are being ironically sarcastic about it. Then you are fine…and NO, I don’t know what ‘Ironically Sarcastic’ means.
- Invent a Word or Phrase That Will ‘Catch On’- You are going to come off like an idiot for a good few months while you try to incorporate “Flemtastical” or “Ironically Sarcastic’ into your everyday language. Your friends are just going to mock you mercilessly. You’re not on the Jersey Shore or a musical artist; it is not going to work. So please stop saying, “I’m just being Selena”
- To Be Popular- Your life is not a ‘She’s All That’ make-over away from making you a ‘popular’ person. You can’t just do everything in a Nada Surf song and suddenly be the guy/girl everyone wants to be.
-To be Healthy and Happy- That sounds simple, but you really cannot control either of those things. Sure you can work out and take vitamins, but that doesn’t make you invincible. You can listen to your happy song and do things that make you happy as much as you want, but you are still going to have bad days or become immune to what makes you happy.
-To No Longer be a Procrastinator- Zebras can’t change their stripes anymore then a procrastinator can stop putting things off. Which is why you will file your taxes the day they are due, you will be pulling an all nighter the day before a big project at work, and you will not go grocery shopping till you have no food left in your house.

This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to Resolutions. There are many more horrible one's out there and if you think yours might be a bad one. It probably is.