How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Being Unknown

The biggest issue about being unknown is the off chance that you become famous or popular. For once you are known, you are no longer unknown and lose all underground street cred and anonymousness, very quickly; just ask just about every indie band over the last decade. They went big and lost their identity and pretty much there soul. Staying unknown is not easy, especially if you are awesome and/or talented. It takes discipline and laziness. You can go the mile, just not the extra mile. It is a way of living your life to the full, just not the fullest. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being famous or popular, but their lives are full of very high expectations and massive failure is always right around the corner. Example Lindsey Lohan. You can reach personal success and all your dreams while still being unknown.

I know what you’re thinking, “who in their right mind wouldn’t want to be known and have many leather bound books?” To my knowledge everyone has their own reason to not want to be the BIG DEAL, just as much as others have reasons to want to be THE BIG DEAL. In the end I think it all comes back to one’s own personal freedom. You can do so much more of what you want if you are not a role model to millions of kids and be judged a lot less harshly by not having to meet others extremely high expectations. Example Miley Cyrus. I respect everyone that actually attempts and tries to go after their dreams, but I lack respect to those that personally sell out to get there. Those that compromise to the point of losing sight of what they truly wanted to do and loved about what they were doing.

I should stress that I am not saying DON’T be a role model and that you should avoid any opportunity that you might fail. I think failure is a rite of passage and you learn more from failing then succeeding. I am trying to say that fame and popularity puts you under a certain microscope that gives people what they assume is there ‘rite’ to dissect you like a frog and judge away at your inner workings. Whereas the more unknown you are the less you get judged and the less ‘other voices’ you hear in your head pulling you around.

Food For Thought

I have many pet peeves, some just (people that text while driving) and some not so just (people that have never heard of the movie Labyrinth). People that take pictures of their food and then post it on Facebook or Twitter fall somewhere in between those two. What is the point of it? To show people what you are about to eat? To brag about how you made this fancy dish that any one who could read and follow directions could make? It makes no sense to me and bothers me. I don’t believe it is jealousy, for usually the stuff I see doesn’t look that great. I like to think the same people that take pictures of their food, are the same people that if they ever become a serial killer would take pictures of there victims before killing them. The more I ponder this, the more fired up I get. What is next? Are these same people going to start taking pictures of random pairs of shoes or flip flops that they are currently wearing? I now feel like I need to do something even more absurd to top these people and I know exactly what it is. I am going to start posting pictures of my favorite trees. That is right. TREES. Arbor Day COME EARLY.

A ‘Lifetime’ of Great Movies

It is no secret that I enjoy Lifetime movies and I am not ashamed to admit it. They are one of the greatest guilty pleasures in the world. Especially the ones from the 90’s, the new class of Lifetime movies from the 00’s just aren’t as good. After much deliberation I have come up with my top 5 all time favorite Lifetime movies.

AND YES, THEY ARE RANKED

1-No One Would Tell (1996)-Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) plays the abusive jock boyfriend of DJ from Full House. This movie has all the great elements of a LT movie, washed up actors, bad script, over acting, great 90’s fashion, drama and murder. No One Would Tell, was also the stepping stone for Fred Savage, to play more evil roles such as the Professor in Boy Meets World that tries to hook up with Topanga. NOT COOL, no one hooks up with Topanga except his brother Corry.
2- Her Last Chance (1996)- How could there be any list of top LT movies without having a Kellie Martin movie? That’s like having a list of the best basketball players all time and leaving Michael Jordan off of it. The movie is about a former drug addict (Kellie) just trying to make it in this cruel, cruel, unfair sober world and later getting accused of killing her douche bag boyfriend played by NONE OTHER THEN….WAIT FOR IT, the late great JONATHON BRANDIS of Sea Quest, Sidekicks and Lady Bugs fame. Her Last Chance also has by far the best soundtrack of any LT movie ever.
3- Not Our Son (1995)- Neil Patrick Harris (DOOGIE HOWSER!!!) plays an extremely creepy arsonist with really really really big glasses, whose family turns on him to get him caught. I believe it is based off a true story, so you will feel guilty about laughing thru the whole thing, well. Maybe you will.
4- Killing Mr. Griffin (1997)-What do you get when you combine a Pink Power Ranger, AC Slater and the blonde from Dawson’s Creek with some other no name talents from the 90’s into one movie? You get this little gem about students feed up with a mean teacher, who they, well, decide to kill, but the Pink Power Ranger gets tricked into via ‘She’s All That Style.’ I would have said ‘spoiler alert,’ but the title already gave away the whole movie.
5- When Secrets Kill (1997)- Lacey Chabert (Mean Girls/Party of Five) plays a girl who if I remember correctly is adopted, but as soon as her biological mom turns up dead after appearing in her life out of nowhere, chaos and high jinks ensue. It is a real ‘who done it’ full of twists, turns, and whiny voices.

Right now you are thinking one of two things. You are either think ‘wow, I remember some of these and they are awesome” or you are thinking ‘WOW, I really need to track these movies down.” Even those of you who loath these types of movies are jumping on one of those two bandwagons for there is no way you can deny the greatness of these movies. In fact, with the rerun season almost upon us, I bet everyone is going to tune into the lifetime movie network this summer trying to catch these classics.

For The Birds

Is it awkward I keep binoculars in my car? It is totally for bird watching, I mean what other use could there be? I like to think when I use them it is fairly obvious, it’s not like my windows are tinted, and it would be dumb for me to just sit in my car and peer into people’s house windows or stare at people as they walk down the street. I love looking at birds from afar; I have seen so many different kinds thru my binoculars, red ones, blue ones, attractive ones, and ducks, some birds with very pretty tail feathers others with tail feathers that could use some work. None of that is awkward at all. It is natural, like nature, it is there to be observed. Sometimes to get a better look at the birds I have to hide in bushes so I don’t scare them off. Other times I climb up into trees to get a closer look, for binoculars can only magnify so much. I must say sometimes it gets really hot in the bush or tree and I am forced to remove my paints. Also it helps prevent me from ripping them on branches, for that would be embarrassing wandering around with ripped pants. So if you look out your window some time and you see me in a tree with no pants on and it appears that I am peering into your bathroom window, I am not looking at you, there is just a really cool bird on your roof. So no need to call the cops or get creeped out. I just realllly enjoy nature.

The Cleveland Cavs Only Hurt Me because they LOVE ME

I want to write about the Cleveland Cavs and the complete playoff implosion, but it hurts too much to do so. Instead I will discuss the complex relationship I have with the Cavs, even though they disappoint me every season, but I keep coming back like Whitney Houston to Bobby Brown. The Cleveland Cavs and I started dating in the third grade when I started my semi-professional playing days. She was the prettiest girl around. Sure I flirted with other teams for awhile my favorite hat was an Indiana Pacers hat, but Mark Price was my favorite player (still is). My first game came soon after at the old Richfield Coliseum against the Milwaukee Bucks and it was amazing. My fanaticism only grew from there, especially when my playing career ended tragically in 8th grade, when my skill level was completely gone. We got engaged in high school and married sophomore year in college (a year before Lebron, also that 17 win season is still my favorite). I have seen great times (making the finals, finally beating Detroit in the playoffs) to the bad (trading Mark Price, Brad Daughters corpse, EPIC collapses against the Orlando Magic last season and Boston this season) and the fun times (the mid 90’s teams, Darius Miles fists to the head thing, Drew Gooden). So I am in for the long haul with the Cavs, till death do us part, for I am ‘catholic’ so divorce isn’t really a realistic option.

Now that you know a little background info, let’s dive into the deep psychological aspect of why the past two seasons have left me emotionally and mentally bruised and why I will take even more of it. It all centers on the belief that ‘this is our year.’ You see there are 4 types of years for any sports team’s expectation level;

1-We have no shot- think Pittsburgh Pirates (MLB) every year, no way are they winning anything, there fans celebrate if they win 65 games.
2-We are going to surprise some people- We are young, have some talent, and everyone is going to underestimate our ability. Think Oklahoma City Thunder of Seattle the last few years in the NBA.
3-We are good, but we are not winning it this year-favorite example of this, The Cleveland Cavs of 06-07. They made the finals against San Antonio and promptly got swept, it sucked, but I fully understood that we had no right to win it that year.
4-THIS IS OUR YEAR- it is a season of high expectations when nothing less than winning it all is satisfactory and what makes it even more intense is the fact you are one of 3-4 times that should win it.

The last two seasons the Cleveland Cavs have been hardcore in the THIS IS OUR YEAR level of expectations. Finishing both years with the best record in the regular season, this is no easy feat. They have set the expectations so high that I expect nothing less than a championship and they have fallen flat on their face early in the playoffs both years. The plot of both years was basically the same, and seemed to have been stolen from Tracey Chapman’s song ‘Fast Car.’ The team has obvious problems, we think we beat our problems, and then we end up with the same problems again down the line in the playoffs, that beats us. This leaves everyone involved angry, frustrated and depressed, multiply all that by the lack of a champion in Cleveland for 3 centuries and you get an indescribable feeling. It is especially painful this season when it looked like the whole team just quit on the basketball court after game 3, but I don’t want to talk about it, its only going to get me upset, more then I already am.

Why do I keep following the Cleveland Cavs? Why don’t I jump ship like so many alleged fans will when/if Lebron jumps ship? Because the ship is located on a river that is on fire, and I would rather be stuck on an always sinking ship then burn. Being a Cavs/Cleveland fan also has the comparison of smashing your head against a brick wall, it is going to feel oh so good when you stop, and the only way to stop is to have a championship tear down the wall and we will rejoice like the people in Berlin did with David Hasselhoff music. That day may never come, but I am sure the Germans thought the same thing.

I will end on this inspirational quote. Ok, I couldn’t think of any, but had I thought of one, it would have gone here.

FREE advice

I often wonder how hard it is to actually write an advice column. The people reading it are obviously desperate and will listen to anything you have to say, so you could tell them just about anything and they’d be grateful for it. If it works great, if it doesn’t work, there are really no negative effects for yourself. If you are a weatherman and you screw up, due to something that isn’t even remotely your fault everyone hates you. Not true with advice columnists. They get a free pass to tinker with other people’s lives. It is like being a robot repairman, full and well knowing that whatever you do to try and fix the robot, it won’t completely break it. The person is just happy you tried to fix it.

What are the qualifications to be an advice columnist? Good listener? Psyche degree? Wise Sage that lives in the foothills of Mt. Everest? Nope, I think all you have to do is have some sort of mailing address, be able to put together congruent sentences, and most importantly have some sort of witty alliterated alias/column name. Example ‘Chris Christopher’s Caring Corner. It also might help if you change your first name to Doctor or throw in a fake PhD in there somewhere, for everyone trusts a doctor. What newspaper would not pick-up that advice column? Especially given the state of the printed news? They need gimmicks like advice columns.

Seriously People

I really want to write something very deep and powerful, but I realize that is not an easy task to do while wearing a fake mustache. I shall try though. I feel like people don’t take me seriously and I can’t understand why? I have a feeling it comes from me finding humor in just about everything I encounter. I don’t take the world that seriously, which would make sense that it doesn’t take me seriously. Why should one take everything so serious, I believe the saying is “life is longer the more serious you take it,” which is true for if you make the wrong joke in front of the wrong person, you will get murdered. The South Park creatures are probably going to learn that the hard way, much like I will someday. I do understand that at times there are things you have to take seriously, which I do to some degree, but I see humor as being the condiment that makes everything taste better, like the world’s natural sour cream. For the record, I don’t see myself as being a funny person as much as I think I just see life in a whole different light then others due, which then leads to comedic interactions.

I find nothing more annoying/frustrating then people with no sense of humor. We all know the type, the ultra-serious that never laugh, never even attempt to make jokes and just basically complain about everything. These are not overly bad people, but I don’t want to be around them due to their ‘buzz killer’ mentality. It is also really hard to have an actual conversation with them thanks to their inability to pick up sarcasm or humor of any type. It is like having a face to face instant message with someone, with you always having to explain what everything meant. These people really only have two real purposes in this life. One, to make everyone else seem funnier and two, to do all the boring jobs no one with a sense of humor could do for long periods of time without going insane, like finance and accounting.

No Need to Stop Showering and Live in a Tree to Save the Earth

I am all about saving the environment and trying to prevent global warming and what not. I believe it stems from the fact I want to ‘leaf’ this world a better place for any future kids I may have. Granted I still eat meat, I rarely recycle, I don’t monitor my carbon footprint, and though my car is a hybrid, it is not the good kind (half car/half rust). So what am I doing to save the environment? A load of things, many of which I think everyone should adopt. They are easy, simple, and will not change how you live your life one bit.

1-Don’t drill for oil- I think we all know what happens when people that don’t know what they are doing, drill for oil (Reference British Petroleum)
2-Don’t start a paper company-I like trees, you like trees. If you’re going to start a paper company, at least make it a paperless paper company. Revolutionize the whole industry.
3-When visiting a national park, don’t set it on fire-This one is tough to do, for I know how much everyone loves to watch things burn.
4-Only use aerosol products inside- They can’t get to the ozone if they are trapped in the air in your attic. That’s just common sense mixed with some science.
5-Litter- This sounds bad, but our landfills are filling up and polluting the world around us, so instead of having 47 foot high mounds of trash stretching 36 square acres, have half an inch of litter almost everywhere? I believe it will biodegrade faster.
6-Don’t molest wild life- sure it might be funny to get a picture of you riding a goose at the park, but they do not enjoy it.

I am sure I could be doing more, but if I do more it would be inconvenient to my own life and why should I sacrifice my own life for the world around me, I am no Jesus. Also can one person really make that much of a difference on a large scale? Sure people will say it all starts with one, but you know what else usually starts with one and ends badly for all. CULTS. Think about that next time some environmentalist hipster tries to make you drink the save the earth kool-aid.

State By State

There are people in this world that have really odd goals in life. One of the oddest goals I have ever heard of was a friend who wanted to have intimate relations with a girl in every state. Not specifically a different girl in every state, just in every state. His goal has inspired me to do one of my own. I am not one to steal someone else’s thunder, so my goal will be slightly different, and maybe even more difficult to accomplish. My goal is to have intimate relations with a girl named after every state. This means I don’t have to go through all the boring states like Nebraska, Maine and what not. I have come up with a couple rules, conditions, and guidelines for my goal. In no specific order:

1-First or last name count.
2-Stripper names DO NOT count, unless it is on their drivers license.
3-Always ID.
4-Fully knowing there is no one out there named New Hampshire, The word ‘new’ will be replaced by a virgin or someone under 20, but legal. Thus I just need to find a girl named Hampshire.
5-When it comes to directional states like North Dakota, the direction will be indicate by position. North means her on top, South her on the bottom and West means doggy style.
6-No girl can be used for more than one state, which means I need to find multiple Dakota’s and Carolinas.
7-In order to keep track I will buy one of those state sticker maps that you see on the back of Winnebagos and place it on the top of my Neon’s Trunk and fill in states as I go.

I understand on paper this sounds like a horrible thing, but we all need goals in life to motivate ourselves to reach new heights. This is mine. Could I have thought of a better one? Of course. Maybe someday I will have multiply goals, but that’s more of a dream of mine.

A Whole Lot of Frogs

Women are always going on about how they have to kiss a bunch of frogs to find there prince. What they don’t realize is that ever guy plays the role of someone’s frog at least once in their life and that she is eventually just settling for someone else’s frog, not a prince. Her mind has been warped due to Disney movies and teen popstar music. No one can live up to the outlandish expectations that are set in front of them when given the ‘prince standard.’ Sure one can try like hell, but guys, like all people and most mammals in general are flawed and not able to maintain perfection. I like to think 60% of women understand that, but still look for it, yearning and hoping for it. 30% still whole heartedly believe in this cautionary fairy tale with their warped opinion of an actual prince charming. That leaves 10% of women who make fun of the other 90% for being so naive. I don’t really find it to be a problem for women to have extremely high standards for their men, but at some point you have to realize that it is epically high and if you don’t lower at least some of your standards you will become a cat lady. I could be completely off on this for I am a guy, and if I actually knew how women thought, I probably wouldn’t be single and wouldn’t be writing this.

Guys before you get all smug that women are crazy; we have that same sense of kissing frogs, except we switch the word ‘frog’ to something more vulgar and offensive towards females and dogs. Granted our standards are not nearly as high and we don’t smell nearly as good as females.