Best Left for Dead

We all have skeletons in our closets. The ‘best’ skeletons stay in the closet, chained in there, but sometimes some of them come out for fresh air, even if we don’t want them to. This scares the shit out of me, because skeletons don’t breath, they don’t need the fresh air. They need to stay in the back of the closet next to your favorite pair of torn up Vans that you can’t bear to throw away. But shit happens and they emerge from the darkness of the closet, not because they are tired of the dark, for they have no eyes, but because someone else has dragged it out. Somehow they decided that the skeleton in the closet named Natalie is more interesting then that classic pair of Vans. When the skeleton is released you deal with the aftermath of the chaos it brings. It is much like cleaning up after the Cat and the Hat, you don’t want to do it, but you have no other choice. You can’t just brush it all under the rug, nor can you make light of the situation by using cute little rhymes. You have to face the skeleton, head on. No lies, No bullshit, No excuses. Time is the one thing that has the potential to help deal with the fall out of a loose skeleton. If you are lucky, time will have decayed the skeleton lessoning the blows it will throw. The stench that it leaves will be more from your raggedy blue Vans, then the actual skeleton itself. Once the skeleton is out and you have dealt with the horrors it has brought, you are left with the option of either putting it back in the closet or leaving it dead on your bedroom floor like a hooker who OD-ed on coke. The option is yours and yours alone. No one would blame you for dragging it back in the closet or leaving it out. Deep down they are just thankful that it was you, not them who had to deal with the escaped skeleton. Survival of the fittest my friend, but how can you survive when what you are dealing with is a dead issue?

'Sister' Act

I am slowly realizing no one will let me date their sister. I find it fairly offensive, for I don’t see myself as being a bad guy. If I was in there position, I would let my sister date me. There is no way to write a sentence like that without sounding creepy, I am fully aware of that. If my brother was actually a girl I would let 40% of my friends date her (not at the same time), which is odd, given I would only let 5% of my female friends date my brother. I digress. The issue is what do my friends have against me that they don’t want me to be potential family? I have come up with two reasons why. They either secretly want me or they don’t want their sister or me to be happy. I had a third reason, being my friends secretly hate me, but who could hate me? That’s just illogical.

The question remains, how do I rectify this problem and make my friends want to set me up with their sisters? I could just let it slide and realize that this whole idea is a horrible mistake, but most of life’s greatest moments come from horrible mistakes. Example: Ben Franklin and flying a kite in a Thunderstorm. Also see, most unplanned pregnancies. I am literally drawing a blank on how to change this. I obviously can’t talk my friends into it, so I will just have to stalk down anyone of my friends whose sister I think there may be potential and plan a ‘chance’ encounter. For if the Shin’s taught me anything in this world, it is that “Caring is Creeping.” No? Not the name of the song? Well it should be. For it’s the truth. In all honesty I will probably do nothing, for do I really want to date a friends’ sister? No, but I would like to have the option if I wanted to.

The Lovely Fall

I wrote the following awhile ago and it is one of the favorite things I have ever written.

Melancholy music just sounds better when out in the fall weather with one’s crush. Certain albums just seem to have that sweatshirt wearing, hand-holding, wandering around in the fallen leaves feel to it. The faint crisp chill of the air adds to the ambiance of the whole experience. The random gusts of wind make you feel like you are alive and that life is wonderful. You feel completely content and genuinely happy for those brief moments as the songs play. It is almost as if each song was written about you, an ode to your life and the brief moments that make it up. Your mind drifts around like the blowing leaves, unable to focus on anything, but the small things. A slight smile creeps across your face, as you remember memories of love past. Your heart starts to race at the idea of love’s future, but the current moment is all that truly matters. The amber and gold surroundings, the feel of your skin against hers, no matter how slight it might be. The chills it brings both of you, each wondering if the other feels it, but neither willing to bring it up. Your eyes briefly meet between songs. Life is on pause for that second, it feels like an eternity. A snap shot you wish you could hold onto forever. You want to say so much, but the next song cuts you off before you can even move your lips. The two of you are moving with no real destination and no real purpose. You’re learning more about each other in the silence, then in the hundreds of conversations you’ve had before. The shared earbuds are transmitting more than just music, but small pieces of each other’s soul, song by song. Each piece has the warm, soothing feeling of a sip of hot coco, sweet and satisfying. You want to savor ever drop of it. Hoping that the cup never goes empty, but alas the album ends, dark comes quick in the October sky and the moment is over, but not before one singular kiss. A kiss three seasons in the making.

Just for some reference points I wrote this while listening to a mix of The Legends ‘Up Against The Legends” and The Counting Crows “This Desert Life.”

To Catch Chris Hansen

You know who has an interesting life, Chris Hansen. The man could find Jimmy Hoffa’s body, cure AIDs, and solve global warming and his legacy would still be catching pedophiles in kitchens. What does he do with himself now that To Catch a Predator is over with and all you’re left with is the stigma of hanging out with perverts? Maybe he can attempt to let God enter back into his life. Granted he couldn’t go Catholic due to making all the priests very paranoid and generally uncomfortable. Chris could do some home remodeling, I am sure he has plenty of “Predator” cash saved up. Although seeing Chris Hansen wondering around fake kitchen setups in Lowes, would not help his cause or whoever was helping him pick out cabinets. He could take a more active role in his children’s lives. Wait, nope. That is just going to freak teachers out during parent teacher conferences, not to mention when he takes the kids to the park it is going to scare everyone away from the park. Mr. Hansen, by no means has the stigma of being a pedophile just that he is always around them. I have always been told you are no better then the company you keep. I don’t even know how one would be friends with him and actually be able to hang out in public?

Now what would you do if you were Chris Hansen? I personally would start a website that sells life size cut outs of myself. It is a great gift idea for anyone with a kitchen. Which also acts as a reminder for everyone to ID before going home with someone? He could form a Metal band, “Chris Hansen and the Pedophiliacs.” Sadly I bet he is doing none of these things. He is most likely in a shady bar, with a badly grown beard, drinking his life away trying to make friends. I just hope his ice breaker line isn’t, “So I have a few questions for you.”

“Pact” and Ready

I really need stop making “marriage pacts” with women. If you are unfamiliar with the term a ‘marriage pact’ is when two people say “if we aren’t marred by (insert random age here) we will get married.” I currently have four of them in effect all for different ages (32, 34, 35, and 40), so my bases are very thoroughly covered. I take from this a few observations.

1-I am seen as marriage material, but not boyfriend material.
2-People just assume I will be single well into my thirties, thus making me a great safety.
3-Women believe I will age gracefully and will still be in great shape like Brad Pitt.
4-I am obviously an amazing lover.
5-I am crazy enough to actually follow thru with the pact

Logic would suggest it would be prudent of me to make as many of these pacts as possible to make sure that at some point I get married and have the ability to keep the “Christopher Wassie Gene Pool” moving on into the future. Also only 16% of women have never been married by age 35 (as of 2005 data, yes I did some research). Mix that in with the divorce rate; only 1 of my 4 will be available come marriage pact time (theoretically). So with all this great empirical data, why do I not want to make more pacts? It is very simple; it is easier to keep track of four options rather than fourteen. The fewer number of pacts also decreases the chance of a woman randomly showing up at my doorstep to propose, just to find out I accepted a previous marriage pact. I can assume it would cause a little bit of friction between the Mrs. and I, which I would like to avoid. No matter how hilarious I would find it, it would get old after the fifth time a woman showed up looking for marriage. For the record, I am not saying I am not going to make more pacts, for eventually they will start to marry off, but I should probably be a little more selective. Not that I regret any of the current pacts I have made…yet.

7 Steps to Getting Over Someone without Building a Bridge

Everyone gets there heartbroken at one time or another and has trouble recovering from it. People have many different techniques, solutions, and home remedies to deal with such pain. I have developed a 7 step processes which will help heal your wounds and move on.

1-Closure- Track down the one that broke your soul into 45 salty pieces and force them to explain their actions. Treat it like an exit interview. Dress nice, be polite, and thank them for everything. Make sure you get a nice list of reasons why it didn’t work out and things you could improve on in the future. This is not an easy thing to do, for you are either extremely bitter and/or extremely sad, so you are going to have to act. Your goal isn’t to make them feel horrible (that’s steps 5 and 6), just to get as much honest, constructive info about the reasons behind the dumping.

2-Rid your place of all reminders by way of fire- There are two ways to do this. You can either go the” mega bonfire” approach or watch each item burn individually. It all depends on how angry you are at the time. This is like welding the coffin shut, while cleansing your living area of reminders of that good for nothing ex, whose feet always smelled and actually liked Bon Jovi.

3- Immerse yourself in something else- you now have an ample slot of free time on your hands since losing the love of your life. So why not use that time to spend more time doing things you like, for example, hobbies, sports, playing video games, catching up with old friends or your Tivo. You also now have more than enough time to finally stalk that cute girl that works at the Starbucks around the corner.

4-Avoid all contact and interaction- This can be tough, but you don’t want to get the “creepy stalker” tag applied to you, for that will make step 6 more difficult. So stop driving by his/her house, calling her at 5am and hanging up and most of all following her around at the mall trying to make chance encounters. Also avoid his/her phone calls, little heads up; they are NOT calling to see if you want to get back together.

5- Work out/ make-over- Your new goal in life should not be to get him/her back, but to look as attractive as possible to attract a new mate. Then when you “accidentally” break step 4, you will plant a seed of “did I do the right thing? Person X is looking really good,” in their mind that has a chance to grow into a mighty oak tree of regret. This is basic mental warfare, and you must win the mind games to win the break-up.

6- Hook up with one of their friends- this is a double edged sword of great idea-ness. It will make your ex feel as distraught as you are/were, all while fulfilling moving on physically with another person. The main goal should be there best friend, but if that is not possible go for one of their lesser friends. Everyone has that one friend that would hook-up with their friends ex, it is just about being able to spot which one it is.

7-Release a bird from the pet store- At this point you have burned bridges to the point you could never have a functional relationship with the person that broke your heart, so you might as well do a symbolic gesture to your new freedom. Also if the fates would have it, that bird might one day poop on your ex’s car, guarantying you get the last laugh.

This program is pretty much flawless and I am willing to bet you cannot find a better one out there. Actually I dare you to try.

Trunk Mystery

While running I have witnessed many things. I have been chased by numerous types of animals such as dogs, ducks, and the occasional cat. I have also encountered many people, but the guy I met a few years back takes the cake. I was running in the country which I tend to do from time to time, when a man driving a beat up blue Ford stops me. I assumed like most people that stop me while I am running, that he is looking for directions. That could not have been further from the truth. I look in the window and here is a guy that looks like he is straight out of the movie Deliverance, with a twisted 'I am up to no good look in his eyes.' He says to me, “Wanna see what’s in trunk?” Now at this point a normal person would piss themselves, say no, and sprint away. I look around the area and see that I am in the middle of nowhere and figure why not? What is the worst thing that could happen; I make the 11 o’clock news, maybe end up with some scars, or even get a horror movie based on actual events made in my honor. So the guy gets out of his car saunters around the back and pops open the trunk. At this point all that is going through my head is the final scene in the movie se7en. I am sure it is going to be the head of a woman or a disembodied man of the last person that ‘got shown the trunk.’ It was neither, but to my shock, it was a live beaver on a leash running around in his trunk. Yes, a creepy random guy interrupted my run to show me his beaver. There is a lesson to be learned here, actually probably a couple, but what I took away from this encounter is not that you shouldn’t talk to strangers that might want to wear your skin as a jacket, but that at no point should you ever have a beaver in your trunk, especially in the summer. That’s just cruel.

Problem Solving 101

In our lives we all encounter difficult problems that we have no idea how to solve. I have gone ahead and done you a massive favor and written down my secret fool proof 6 step plan to solving any problem, big or small… Your Welcome.

1- Hypotheticalize with friends and family- This is a great way to get input as well as save face. We have all done it, we have uttered the words, “So my friend’s friend accidentally ran over his girlfriend’s cat while he was house sitting, what should he do.” Maybe you haven’t uttered those exact words, but you get the idea. Chances are there are people that have been in this situation before and can help guide you out of it; I mean help guide your friend’s friend out of it.

2- Try duct tape- Solves more problems than you could ever imagine, although if you did run over your girlfriends cat, duct taping it back together, and setting it in the corner of the living room like nothing is wrong is probably not the greatest idea.

3-Deny and or Hide it- If you do not see that there is a problem does it actually exist? For example, you broke your arm and do not have health insurance. It is very easy just to duct tape your arm in place, take a bunch of aspirin and pretend that it didn’t happen.

4- Praying- Praying has been known to work on occasion, but usually only in life or death situations. Personally speaking, I don’t see God wasting his precious time fixing your older sister’s broken stilettos or bringing back your only wedding video that you accidentally recorded over with sorority sex kittens 5. Although it may bring your girlfriends cat back to life, for Jesus was kind of a big fan of doing stuff like that.

5- Drinking-Doesn’t actually solve the problem, but if done right, can cause you to black out and temporarily forget your problem. There is also the potential of solving the problem while thinking in a different state of mind. Although be warned, this step does have the potential to create bigger problems, by either not reaching the blackout stage, but instead you end up focusing on your problem or you might actually try to drunkenly solve your problem and compact the situation.

6-Make a bigger problem that over shadows your previous problem (The OJ Simpson)- For example, if you can’t figure out how to get out of a DWI or DUI, Go out and murder someone. You will find that your drinking and driving charge really isn’t that big of a problem anymore, hiding the body and/or preparing your defense is much more dire. Also, when people talk about you behind your back they will not be calling you a drunk. I have dubbed my sixth and final step in problem solving The OJ Simpson, due to him famously using it, to help America forget that he is a murderer, by becoming an OJ memorabilia thief.

If for some reason you follow all these steps and you still cannot solve the problem at hand, you have obviously come across the chicken or the egg dilemma and there is no actual solution. Sorry.

Your Welcome World

I am officially returning back to the wonderful world of blogging. I am titling this pet project of mine “Live Free or Blog Hard.” I am taking a whole new approach this time. It is going to cover a little bit of everything, serious stuff, light hearted stuff, opinions, maybe a few reviews of random objects, all of it being fairly pointless, yet entertaining to myself. I currently have 50 plus pages of stuff I have written since I retired from blogging that I was saving for a book, but I have decided to ‘release’ some of what I have written. I also plan on re-editing and updating some stuff from my old blog at ( http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=wassieoverthelineornot ), but most of the posts will be new and fresh. I assume people have some questions of why I am un-retiring. So here are some ‘frequently asked questions that I hypothetically asked myself.”

Why did I decide to return to blogging?

-I have been thinking of returning to Blogging since January, as a way to help organize all my thoughts and ideas. I also enjoy the voyeuristicness (made up word number 1 of the new blog) of exposing ones mental self to the world. I decided to make the final jump and actually do it, when I was trying to think of a spring resolution and couldn’t settle on anything, so I decided to make writing more my spring resolution and what better way to do that, then in blog format.

Has my spelling and grammar improved?

-No it has not, but I am going to try harder to proof read before I post. Also I may try and find some sort of proof reader/editor. So if interested, apply within.

How frequently am I going to post?

-My plan is to post something every other day, but that might increase or decrease depending on how busy I get and if I have anything that is actually worth saying.

Can other people comment on my posts?

-I believe I have this set up so anyone can comment on a post, even if you don’t have a blog. So feel free to comment on whatever, you want, I enjoy feedback, even if it is negative and you are wrong.

What is my end goal of project “Live Free or Blog Hard”

-The goal is to see what doors, windows, or secret compartments open up to me from sharing my thoughts, ideas, and skewed views of life, love, and liberty. Basically I just want to throw a bunch of stuff into a microwave, turn it on and see what explodes out of it, metaphorically speaking of course. What’s the worst that could happen?

My final thought, read if you want, or don’t read, neither really fazes me, for I am doing this for me and me alone. I am not trying to sell anything or float around propaganda. I am not trying to convert people over to my way of thinking or trying to start some sort of grass roots campaign against the cruel treatment of beavers or anything like that. There is no message, no point. So enjoy.