I’ve Passed on Judging

I have never been a big fan of judging someone, due mostly to me not wanting to be judged myself and a little bit because I want to be able to throw stones at everyone and not seem hypocritical. I do want to find an even platform on which OTHER people can judge OTHER people. I figure if people are going to do judge, I might as well help them do it correctly. Think of me as a moral referee. I have gone through numerous hypotineouses (not a real word). I have experimented with judging people on what animal they look like, but found out that 78% of people look like either dogs or strangely enough giraffes. I took this to mean that I either don’t really know what a giraffe looks like or I am focusing way too much on the neck region. I gave up on this theory for I felt this was cruel to the animals in comparing them to ugly human subjects. Plus I didn’t want to upset the PETA people, for they are scary when they throw their eggs that come from aborted chickens and use their animal tested spray paint to attack people. I have tried judging people on their shoes, but I realized that I know nothing about shoes. I even went as far as judging people by how they chewed there gum, only to find out that there are only 3 basic ways to chew gum (Cow, sophisticated, sexy) and ran into the problem of ‘what if they aren’t chewing gum at the time I am judging them.

I have finally settled on the most effective way to judge people and that would be by there favorite musical band and/or song. This is a fairly effective way of judging someone. It not only tells something about the person on the most intimate of levels, but it actually involves interacting with them. I find it to be more acceptable to judge someone if you have at least talked to them. Sorry if that offends the segment of you that go to the mall just to judge random people. Now by successfully using their age and favorite song you can build a solid theorem to ACCURATELY judge someone. For example if it is a college girl and her favorite song is Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer, she likes to have fun, but is a straight up flirt, but if her favorite song is Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing, she likes to have fun, but is easy (a slut for short). I know right now you are flabbergasted, by just how accurate this actually is. It works for guys to; if he is a 15 year old boy that likes Disturbed he is an asshole that wants sex. If he is a 23 year old guy that likes sublime he is an asshole that wants sex and likes to smoke weed. If he is a 19 year old guy that likes Lady Gaga, he plays for the other team. I could sit here and do this all day and accurately judge everyone, but seeing how I don’t judge people I won’t, but if this theory works I might write a book to help the people with very questionable character judge others.