Bad Idea #1452

My random bad idea of the day is that every movie with a happy ending should have a depressing alternate ending on the DVD. It doesn’t have to be anything super long, just a 5 minute ending where Jafar ends up marrying Jasmine or Lex Luther finally defeats superman. This sounds fairly pessimistic, but sometimes you want to watch a movie with a depressing and shocking ending. This works both ways. I would like to think movies with sad endings should also have happy endings. Jack and Rose both make it off the ship. Goose by some miracle of modern science, has his soul put into Mavericks plane, much like the TV’s Knight Rider. Actually that last idea what make a great Top Gun sequel.

Warning- Not About Any One Couple

This is a general commentary on relationships in general, if you think this is about you or your current relationship, you obviously need to do some self examining. With this said, this is not based on me either. I am not narcissistic enough to write about myself. i am not really that interesting of a person.

I find it very painful to watch couples just go through the motions with no real feeling or passion behind their actions. It is like watching a car crash in slow motion, you hate to see it, but you can’t look away. Every couple has a reason for it, some are just in temporary funks, and others know it is time to break up, but neither wants to go through the hassle. I am not sure if it is laziness or optimism that keeps these couples together. They think ‘eh whatever, I’m content’ or just maybe better times are around the bend. How long do you wait? Sure, friends, family, psychologists, will throw in their 2 cents, but none of that really matters, it is those actually involved that have to make the call. People are just looking for reassurance that they are making the right call in their life, they don’t want to hear the truth. In the end it is there life, no one is truly losing sleep over a flawed relationship, other then the people actually involved in it, and even then they may not be losing sleep over it.

The heart can want numerous things at the same time; I think that is why there are four chambers to every heart, plenty of room for storage. At some point you have to let go of the dusty old bland boy/girlfriend that is sitting there just as unsatisfied as you. Make room for something much bigger. Sure it is scary; no one truly likes the idea of being alone. You need to think of it as recycling; once you get rid of the old, both of you have the opportunity to find new people that will completely fill all four chambers of your heart and not just that one room. Your current ‘eh maybe it’s love’ will be someone else’s Noah. And you will find someone else’s recycled lover and be truly and deeply happy for the first time in your life. Of course the true irony of this, is that it is so easy to talk about, but never easy to do. Actually, not sure that is irony at all, it is actually just depressing.

An 'Eve'l Song

I am a fairly superstitious person. I have lucky underwear. I don’t walk under ladders. Black cats freak me out. I also have what I consider an ominous song. A song that whenever I hear it, something bad or extremely unlucky happens to me. The song is the classic 90’s song ‘Inside Out’ by Eve 6. I loved that song in my younger years, but then bad, random things started happening to me. You are probably thinking it is just some sort of odd coincidence, but here are some facts to back up my claim. Anytime I listened to it before a high school cross country meet I would either run horribly or get injured. The song was playing on the radio the first time I got pulled over. It was on a mixed CD, the second time I was pulled over 2 years later. It took me 4 years to figure out the negativeness that is associated with this song and since then I have been avoiding it like the plague. Of course I have chance encounters with it on the radio, like the day I found out I was getting let go at work. I also played it on a road trip just to prove to my travel companion that it was unlucky. My car overheated and broke down in the middle of nowhere an hour after it played. One or two events might be coincidence, but this is a trend that won’t go out of fashion. So next time you hear ‘Inside Out,’ think of me and hope that I am not trapped in the bottom of a well due to hearing the song earlier in the day.

Great Bad Movies

I have recently come across to many people that have not seen the instant David Bowie classic ‘Labyrinth’. This irrationally bothers me in ways I can’t even explain. It is no secret I love crappy movies, especially from the 80’s and early 90’s, back in the days when movies didn’t have epic budgets, special effects where horrible, and no one took movie making too seriously. The following is a list of old movies everyone should see at least once in their life. In no particular order:

-Legend…Tom Cruise + Unicorns + Ridley Scott= Amazing
-Labyrinth… David Bowie + Jim Henson + George Lucas + singing = CAN’T MISS
-Brave Little Toaster… Appliances Come Alive + fun animation =poor man’s Toy Story
-Milo and Otis… Cute Puppy + Adorable Kitten + mischief = a hobo’s Homeward Bound
-Willow… Val Kilmore + a little person + medieval times= Lord of the Rings
-They Live…Roddy Piper + Undercover Aliens – Bubble Gum = KICK ASS
-Angus… Fat Kid + Skinny kid + James Van Der Beek= 90’s version of any Molly Ringwald movie
-Joe Verses the Volcano…Tom Hanks + Meg Ryan +Meg Ryan + Meg Ryan=Epic Adventure
-Weekend at Bernie’s 2…Reanimated corpse + The Single Guy + Andrew McCarthy= Vacation for the brain
-Killer Klowns from Outer Space…Clowns + Alien invasion + Cotton Candy= Reason to fear clowns
-Stay Tuned… John Ritter + Satan + Trapped in a TV= Must watch TV
-Short Circuit (1 & 2)…Robot + Lightening = Johnny 5 is ALIVE
-Gremlins 2: The New Batch…NYC + Gremlins + Phoebe Cats = Hilarity
-Mom and Dad Save the World…Jon Lovits + Spaceballs – Mel Brooks =Just a bad movie all around
-Flash Gordon… Ashton Kutcher wannabe + James Bond + Space Travel = A real trip
-Masters of the Universe… He-man + Monica from friends- annoyingness = Nightmares, but the good kind

Sure this list could go on forever, but these are the crucial ones. By no means are these movies great in any real sense of why people would usually like a movie (exception being labyrinth) and all need to be viewed with a certain grain of salt, but they all fill a certain whole in one’s heart, soul, and mind.

Wash Up and Receive a Sur‘Prize’

I am a random idea person. I think of things and say why not? My current idea is based off Cracker Jack’s and hygiene. In a world filled with germs and bacteria that have mutated into horrible diseases, people still don’t wash their hands. Not to mention, running water is located and readily available in all houses, yet people still smell. It is not like you can force people to take care of themselves or make them not be the next ‘Outbreak’ monkey. What we can do is trick them, by putting prizes at the bottom of all shampoo, soap, and body wash containers. That is right we will bribe them the way cereal companies used to do to young kids. Except you cannot easily empty a container of soap, like you can a bag of cereal to get to the prize. Thus forcing the consumer to actually use the product or risk never finding out what is sealed in that small black pouch at the bottom of the bottle. Sure there are some minor obstacles, bottle shape will have to be changed, but other than that there is no real downside to adding a 50 cent toy/temporary tattoo/small trinket to the hygiene market.

At some point you have to think outside of the box (over used expression) to reintroduce a product to society in hope to extend your current market share. Most companies do this by changing their logo or recipe, like Starbucks does every other month. Very rarely do companies take a risk outside of fancy advertising. Hines took a risk 10 years ago; when they made purple/green ketchup, of course that didn’t last long due to no one wanting to see something purple on their hot dog. It did though, get people to go out and try their product, which is half the battle in the fight to get people to reject their current brand loyalty.

I realize a reward in your soap will not get the whole world to stand up against disease and body odor, but you would be surprised by how many people are attracted to shiny objects and will wash their hands again.

Strokes... NOT Jokes... How About Neither

I just saw a commercial about seeking medical attention if you think you are having a stroke (I back that idea up complexly). The commercial seemed to be a parody off what I can only imagine being Sinbad’s standup comedy about someone having a stroke. What really got me was the fact they ended with the catch phrase “Strokes No Joke.” I recognize what they are going for, what I don’t get is why they are trying to convey a very serious message with a catch phrase that rhymes. No one takes rhyming seriously. “Hugs, Not Drug” didn’t really change the world, but did make a great new t-shirt idea for hipsters. Which is good, for the pot smokers wearing D.A.R.E t-shirt shtick is so 2003. Although, seeing how I am writing about this slogan, maybe it did work, it got the message across, I remember what it was talking about, but it failed in getting me to take it seriously. I think The American Stroke Association was aiming at a satiric approach, but that may not be the best approach, but hey, what do I know, I only have a degree in marketing.

Awkward Turtle in an Awkward Land

Who doesn’t enjoy a good awkward moment? Bumping into an ex buying condoms or someone talking about their parents having sex. One’s ability to deal with awkward situations is a good definition of what type of person they are. There are four basic reactions to any awkward moment, Fight, Flight, Foster, or Oblivious (sadly couldn’t think of another F-word).

Fight- You stand your ground and try to deflect as much of the awkwardness as possible. Your goal is to eliminate the current awkwardness and prevent any potential future awkwardness. Quick thinking and the ability to make light of the situation is key to success otherwise you will be perceived as a ‘Fosterer.’
Flight- You look for a way out of the current conversation or situation. Sometimes it results in trying to pretend this isn’t awkward, hiding, or just running away. Sudden perfuse perspiration, inability to make eye contact and an apparent feeling that someone just cranked the heat up are very common symptoms.
Foster- You recognizes how awkward the situation is and then try to escalate it to new more awkward heights. Why would one do this? There are many reasons, I tend to do this just to see how far I can push something and then try to see if I can maneuver my way back out of it. I don’t think it is healthy, but it is a lot of fun.
Oblivious- You have absolutely no idea that you are in an awkward moment or situation, but yet you sense something is a little off. You will usually verbalize this with an untimely phrase along the lines of ‘this is awkward’ or ‘I feel like there is something going on.’

Many people use all of these at one point or another, but usually lean on one as a crutch. There is no right way to handle an awkward situation. If there was, it wouldn’t be awkward. Each situation comes with its own obstacles (location, time, people involved, Etc) and one’s emotional state can dictate how everything plays out. One tip I will give you for preparation of your next awkward moment, the more serious to take it, the more awkward and excruciating it is going to be.

I’ve Passed on Judging

I have never been a big fan of judging someone, due mostly to me not wanting to be judged myself and a little bit because I want to be able to throw stones at everyone and not seem hypocritical. I do want to find an even platform on which OTHER people can judge OTHER people. I figure if people are going to do judge, I might as well help them do it correctly. Think of me as a moral referee. I have gone through numerous hypotineouses (not a real word). I have experimented with judging people on what animal they look like, but found out that 78% of people look like either dogs or strangely enough giraffes. I took this to mean that I either don’t really know what a giraffe looks like or I am focusing way too much on the neck region. I gave up on this theory for I felt this was cruel to the animals in comparing them to ugly human subjects. Plus I didn’t want to upset the PETA people, for they are scary when they throw their eggs that come from aborted chickens and use their animal tested spray paint to attack people. I have tried judging people on their shoes, but I realized that I know nothing about shoes. I even went as far as judging people by how they chewed there gum, only to find out that there are only 3 basic ways to chew gum (Cow, sophisticated, sexy) and ran into the problem of ‘what if they aren’t chewing gum at the time I am judging them.

I have finally settled on the most effective way to judge people and that would be by there favorite musical band and/or song. This is a fairly effective way of judging someone. It not only tells something about the person on the most intimate of levels, but it actually involves interacting with them. I find it to be more acceptable to judge someone if you have at least talked to them. Sorry if that offends the segment of you that go to the mall just to judge random people. Now by successfully using their age and favorite song you can build a solid theorem to ACCURATELY judge someone. For example if it is a college girl and her favorite song is Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer, she likes to have fun, but is a straight up flirt, but if her favorite song is Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing, she likes to have fun, but is easy (a slut for short). I know right now you are flabbergasted, by just how accurate this actually is. It works for guys to; if he is a 15 year old boy that likes Disturbed he is an asshole that wants sex. If he is a 23 year old guy that likes sublime he is an asshole that wants sex and likes to smoke weed. If he is a 19 year old guy that likes Lady Gaga, he plays for the other team. I could sit here and do this all day and accurately judge everyone, but seeing how I don’t judge people I won’t, but if this theory works I might write a book to help the people with very questionable character judge others.

Let’s ‘FAIL’ in Love

How there is not a reality show called, ‘EPIC FAIL- Romantic Gestures’ is beyond me. It would be a show based off reenactments and youtube videos of guys who think they are doing something really romantic, but something goes awry or the girl is just not into it. I am not talking about proposals at sporting events going askew, for that is just a bad decision from the start. You have bad friends, they should have stopped you. I want grand gestures of epic proportion, with heart, soul, and eventual fail. I want to see someone holding a boom box outside the window of the wrong house blaring “It wasn’t me” by Shaggy. I want to see high school boys do really creative things to ask a girl to prom and then have her blow them off (cruel, Yes, but it is high school, they will get over it). I want interviews with the actual people; I want to know there thought process. I want to laugh till I cry and cry till I laugh. I want to see the awkward face on the girl, when she realizes she is in a no win situation. I want to see a guy win a huge stuffed bear for a girl and then have it fall and crush her.

I have always wondered what the actual success rate of romantic gestures is. No way is it higher than 50%. Even the simple task of having flowers delivered to someone at their work is tricky, addresses get mixed up, and the lady in the cubical next to your girlfriend gets the anonymous flowers you sent just because. Romantic tip, randomly send the flowers on a Monday, sets the tone for the rest of her week. Even with a low success rate people (self included) are still confident when planning and going through with their gestures. The idea is that this ‘Pinky and The Brain’ scheme is going to work, the world is ours. No way is the road runner faster than my ACME Jet pack. Although, sometimes the mouse gets the cheese and who doesn’t love cheese.

This may all seem cruel, mean, and insensitive to want to make a show out of other people’s failures in love, but it has happened to all of us, so it is no worse than seeing someone trip on the street and then laugh at them (don’t act like you haven’t been on both sides of the tripping fence). It is acceptable as long as the tripped gets back up; otherwise you are a horrible person.

Alien Invasion 101

During my time of mind numbing work I tend to think of ‘what if’ situations to keep my mind nimble. They vary from the mundane, like what if someone pulls a knife on me at work, to the more interesting, what if a zombie attack occurs while on vacation in Nepal. There has always been one ‘what if’ scenario that I could never really realistically solve, which is the ‘what if an alien invasion took place?’ That was until last night. Seeing how the aliens would be of greater intelligence and most likely have superior weapons, we would have no place to hide or any chance to fight back, but I have come up with a way to guarantee my survival. I will try to seduce one of the aliens, for if the alien females are anything like the current homosapion female race, they will automatically friendzone me, making sure I will not be a slave or used as food. Instead I will be someone’s token human, much like how most attractive girls always have a homosexual as a good friend. Although I highly doubt I will have girl chats and shopping trips with my alien ‘sponsor’, I assume there will be some sort of language barrier and I have trouble with learning simple Spanish phrases. I am probably more likely to be shrunk down and carried around in her purse like a second generation spoiled kids little pet. I am sure I would get to meet plenty of new creatures at parties in a galaxy far far away and who doesn’t love being petted. Actually, I could name some people that don’t like being petted, but they would be the first killed off in an alien invasion.

I should stress I am not looking forward to an alien invasion, unless the aliens are zombies (fairly unlikely). One should always be prepared for just about any situation they should come across, especially the ones that are least likely to occur.

The Fiction of Reality

The things we believe in as kids are parallel what we believe in later in life. Santa Claus is no longer a jolly fat guy that brings you gifts. He is replaced with the thought of a beautiful blond with a killer body and a great personality that you settle down with and attends to your every whim. The Easter Bunny becomes the thought that no matter how hard you party the night before you will wake up feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning as you head to your dream job. I am not sure what the Jewish conversion is to these metaphors, but I think it involves Hanukkah Harry and a Dreidel. The truth is these ‘fantastical beliefs’ we create in our life are just that, figments of our collective imagination that we have picked up from our friends through legendary college stories and of course every movie and television show centered around that “twenty something crowd”. There is nothing wrong with believing this stuff when you are young, but there is a time in your life when you get to old to believe in finding that perfect person and you settle. There is a time when you have to realize you are too old to go drinking 5 nights a week and still hold down a ‘career.’ Sure some people hang onto these ‘silly’ ideas, like the high school girl that still believes in the tooth fairy, these are also the ones that end up later in life ‘Hello my name is Jim and I’m a…”

Letting go of your ‘Santa Claus’ doesn’t mean you are settling for complete crap or you won’t be happy, but you are settling for less than that perfect person that you have dreamed of since you first heard the term ‘soul mate.’ At some point we all have to settle. It hurts to think of it as settling, but the fact remains that no one is perfect, for if there was that perfect person you wouldn’t be settling for anything less than Mr/Miss perfect. This second option is as close as you are going to get or at least that is what you tell yourself. You really have no way of knowing if there is someone who might be closer to your vision of perfection, which is why it is always a gamble when you finally decide to settle down long term with a second option. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a gamble if you are willing to put on the blinders and stop you’re wandering eyes, but to do that means to ultimately give up on perfection. Making every love story a tragedy cloaked in the disguise of a Shakespearian comedy.

Killing your adult Easter bunny is just as unsettling as moving in with your second choice. It is the first time you truly realize that you are first mortal and second that you have converted from being adult to grown-up. No longer can you go out on a Tuesday night and get care freely blitzed, you have concerns, limitations, constraints of all types to deal with. You have people counting on you to be fully effective on Wednesday, you have responsibilities in your life that you didn’t have when you were 22. Your concerns have grown from trying to deal with an upper level economics class to dealing with trying to make the big sale to your company’s biggest client. You have realized that there are no redoes, bonus points, or cliff notes to help bail you out. This doesn’t happen over night of course, it is a slow and painful realization, and then it hits you like a ford truck running over your pet Rabbit.
This is life; it is full of multiple realizations, good and bad. You find your list of limitations growing, leaving you at times in a panic stricken state. No matter what, you find strength from deep inside that allows you to grind through it all, till your race is won. Ironically, in this race winning is death, so no real pressure to finish first.

Did You Just ‘Art?'

I never feel the urge to explain my art. You either get it or you don’t. Honestly, I don’t even understand my art half the time. Art should not be based off of aesthetics, some deep meaning, or an expression of some built up feeling. Art should be like a squirrel running around in the woods. You should just look at it, do not touch it and NEVER try to lick it. I know what you’re thinking, ‘then how is art made?’ It should be made from an uncontrollable urge. Much like one’s need to urinate. It is in you and it needs to come out or you will just burst. It should not be forced. Maybe if you see someone else, you will be inspired to want to do it. You should feel relaxed and relieved when it is finished, not uptight and stressed. Your stream of creativity should draw from every experience you have witnessed all put into some sort of form, depending on your medium of choice.

I have always felt like an artist without a medium. My head is full of creativity to an almost maddening level and it bubbles out of me in any form I can find. I don’t expect people to understand, nor do I waste my time trying to explain it. It is there, it is what it is, and people are going to think what they will. Life would probably be a lot easier if I could find a medium and stick with it, and just ooze out all my creativity into it. The only issue is I don’t want to feel like a caged monkey in a zoo, being watched and studied by kids and their parents, nor do I want other monkeys throwing feces at me. So I am going to just keep dabbling in any form I can find, writing, drawing, painting, sculpture, fort building, verbal diarrhea, and whatever else I can come up with.

Fleeting

There are rare moments in one’s life, brief snippets of pure unbridled happiness. They are never the moments you expect; not the grandiose planned out moments like weddings or graduations. It is something so simple, so basic; something probably done a million times before by many other people, maybe even by you, but it truly deeply means something this time and you can’t explain why. It is not a forced moment, it comes out of the blue and you don’t recognize it till it is over. It is completely spontaneous; the architect of it all, being some magical unseen forces that aligned everything in the universe to lead up to it. Time freezes for an eternity upon realization and what everyone else sees as a meaningless almost forgettable moment, you see as a life altering moment, that doesn’t change your life in the least. You embrace that moment; try to keep it in your mind, root it into your soul. It resonates with you like a wave made by a falling acorn into a puddle. Reverberating to the brink of madness, yet calming when done. And your life goes on, to mention the moment after just happening would curse everything, like saying Macbeth in a theater. It should be thought upon and studied over and over in your mind in a playfully obsessive way. You cannot recreate that moment, so don’t even try. This is a pure moment of happiness that will not sour over time; it is a fine wine that gets better with age. It will stick with you long past most memories and forever feel like a warm blanket on an oddly cold August night.

The Pandemic of Bieber Fever

Every now and then a thought pops into my head that makes me feel much older then I actually am. This is going to make me sound like a father from the 1970’s, but the world is doomed. The future leaders of industry, politics, the visionaries of tomorrow are all currently insane Justin Bieber, Jonas Brothers, and Miley Cyrus super fans. Right now, the first female president of the United States is probably in a fist fight on a middle school playground with her best friend over who is going to marry Bieber. The next financial guru is a boy named Jimmy that loves to rock out to Party in the USA. There is precedent for this. Look at our current recession. My grandparents were right; rock and roll is going to ruin the world. This generation is worse, for at least Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Who made great music, and not auto-tuned, prepubescent poop. I mean pop. You may try to make the argument that these misguided youths are no more insane then the Beatlemania in the 60’s. The Jonas Brothers are no Beatles, musical or talent wise. With technology these days, the hype of the Jo-Bros is 100 times what the Beatles ever were. Twitter, Facebook, Blogs, Youtube and ringtones make ones’ love for an ‘artist’ travel faster than a wildfire in drought ridden California. I digress. The youth may be tech savy, but in the process they are becoming dumber. Their minds are being filled with fluff, they are thinking as a collective and not as an individual. They are becoming brainless zombies to the world of teen pop. They lack original thought, ideas, and wonder. Self examination is gone.

Our only real hope with that generation are the angsty tweens, let’s hope it is just a phase, for they are bright enough to see through the mass produced crap. Sure they are wearing Nirvana t-shirts and weren’t even born when the band was around, but they have the mental tools needed to save the world through original expression. They have hopefully dodged the bullets of Selena Gomez and Twilight books and started reading Hunter S. Thomspon and Kurt Vonnegut at too early of an age. They may look sad and disingenuous about the world around them, but wouldn’t you if you had to deal with sheep whose shepherd is MTV on a daily bases?

You might think I am being a little hard on these 8-13 year olds, which you are probably right. I should be harder on the parents for letting their kids be horrible people. Kidding… Maybe…

Lebron James… Would You Be My Valentine?

With Valentine’s Day paraphernalia being out for the last 3 weeks, I find it is never too soon to write about the controversial day. When it comes to holidays, most people are on the same page. No one hates Labor Day or Thanksgiving. You don’t see people calling St. Patrick’s Day a cheap gimmick by beer companies and the color green to stimulate their sales. Valentine’s Day is the Lebron James of Holidays. Each has three distinct set of followers. Those that think it is overrated and horrible, those that really don’t care either way, and those that love it like no other.

There is no way you can change the minds of those that despise Valentine’s Day, just like LBJ anti-fans. The damage has been done; it has been melted into ones psyche like the idea that fire is hot. It cannot be overcome. Sure you will have your good V-days or the vindication of your team beating LBJ’s, but that doesn’t change anything when they come back around next year. Even the people that loath V-day, still know it is a great time to go to a bar and easily pick up a single girl, it is like watching Lebron drop 55 while shooting 68%. You recognize the greatness that it was, but still have that awful feeling in the bottom of your stomach and regret it later in the week.

Those that could care less about Valentine’s Day sound exactly like those that don’t follow the NBA. They say the same phrases, “I don’t see what the big deal is,” “(ESPN or greeting card companies) are the ones pushing the hype on us,” and my favorite, “I could really careless about it, none of this affects my life in the least.” These people are swing voters; they will unintentionally stay in the middle till they sway to one side at the last minute. You can debate with them all you want, you won’t sway them. It will take an event or someone special to convince them to one side or the other, like a lover that is obsessed with the day or seeing Lebron play live.

Finally you have the obsessive’s, those that no matter what has happened in the past will always love Valentine’s Day and/or Lebron. They will send cards, buy chocolates, wear the red heat jersey with pride. They will overlook the time they got dumped on February 10th or July 8th. True loyalists, fans for one reason or another, everyone has their own reasons, usually rooted in delusional remembering’s of childhood fancy. The time in middle school when the boy next door you had been crushing on for years gave you your first kiss on the walk home from school on Valentine’s Day. Unwrapping your first basketball jersey, a wine and gold number 23, and then going to your first game with your father. Small moments in life that you remember as perfect, which never really played out that way in real life. The boy accidently bit your lip and the Cleveland Cavs lost by a dozen. None of that matters to them. They are thick skinned and optimistic to the point of no return.

No matter where you stand on either Valentine’s Day or Lebron James and how much they are blown up, over celebrated, picked on, loved or hated, they are here to stay. Of course this is barring some sort of cataclysmic event doesn’t destroy us all in 2012. Fingers crossed.

No 'Win' in Winter

The winter is long, harsh, and cold, especially in the land of Ohio. January is the worst, the excitement from the holiday season is over, and the warm glowing light at the end of the tunnel, called spring is too far in the distance to see. This leaves most people feeling down and depressed. Trying to find the motivation to get out of bed every morning gets harder and harder. It looks like midnight at 6pm, which only makes things worse. What is one to do? How do you fight through the ‘Cabin Fever’ and not end up like Rider Strong? You can attempt to embrace the situation you have, sled riding, snowboarding, ect, of course if there is no snow and it is still 10 degrees outside that is not really an option. You could stay in and have all the movie marathons you want, but that only dulls the pain. You can DVR The OC and watch people hang out in the warm sunny glow of California, but that will only lead to jealousy, envy, and a crush on the amazing Adam Brody. You could plan a trip to a warm place and then realize flights are expensive and you really have no vacation time till June, but it is the thought that counts. RIGHT. If you thought I had the answers or the cure you were mistaken. I might be an idea man, but some problems have no answers, although if there is no answer is it really a problem? Mull that over with some hot coco and a 1500 piece puzzle.

"It’s my birthday; I can get drunk and vomit on you if I want to"

To many times we give people a ‘pass’ when they do something stupid on their birthday. Shouldn’t we give their mother a ‘pass’ on their child’s birthday? Basically aren’t we celebrating the fact that the mother decided to have unprotected sex and not abort our good friend Allen? Shouldn’t we be sending those that raised our morally challenged pal, a gift for installing in Allen the ability to put off natural selection for 1 more year? Really what did the birthday person do to deserve a celebration? The answer is nothing. It is almost like rewarding them for using a toilet and not the kitchen sink.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with people that celebrate their birthday in grand style. My roommate goes over the top every year, and I don’t complain. Granted I do mock her when she tries to drag it across 3 months or claims that the universe owes her because it’s her birthday. Birthdays make no sense to me at all. All it is, is a good excuse to party, which is why I am all for holidays like Labor Day and Presidents Day. It is a day where it is all about ‘LOOK AT ME,’ ‘HONOR ME,’ I am surprisingly not that type of person. I want to start a trend where people send cards to the parents of the birthday person and not the actual birthday person. Mix it up a bit. It would open up a whole new market for the greeting card industry and people will use the postal service again. In fact, it might just end the recession.

Looney ‘Auto-Tunes’

My mind tends to wander from time to time when I am bored with the conversations going on around me. This leads to many obscure observations and random realizations. One such recent observation is that every Looney Tunes character has some sort of speech impediment (Lisps, stutters, cluttering, dysprosody, spitting and muteness to name a few). The only one that I can think of that doesn’t have some sort of verbal issue is Marvin the Martin and he doesn’t even have a mouth, which is an issue in itself. I have a few theories on why, but none of them hold any real merit.

1-Warner Brothers wants to raise awareness of speech issues.
DEBUNKED- There are a lot more effective ways of raising awareness, without mocking people with ‘disabilities.’

2-When animals evolve; there will be a certain learning curve when it comes to speaking
DEBUNKED-This still doesn’t explain Yosemite Sam or Elmer Fudd.

3-The voice over people all had voice issues.
DEBUNKED-This would be like an amputee being a hand model. Not very likely.

The only thing that really makes sense is that they decided to give them speaking issues for the pure fact of making a quick easy joke at the expense of people with real issues. Appealing to what I like to call ‘barbarianistic humor’ which is making jokes at the expensive of people with issues that can’t be helped. This is also why characters like Speedy Gonzales (really annoying Mexican), Pepe Le Pew (Horny Frenchmen), and Daffy Duck (Angry Black Duck) are based solely off stereotypes. Granted these characters were created in a time when there was no real politically correctness and you could get away with just about anything. Although I think Pang the Panda that loved to take pictures would have made a great character. I have really solved nothing from writing this, but I hope I raised some awareness.

I Dream of Zombie Apocalypses

It is no secret that I have a very active imagination, which tends to cross over into my dreams. Lately I have been having a lot of zombie apocalypse dreams, which I really enjoy, for when the world ends; I really hope it is due to zombies. Don’t act like secretly you don’t agree with me. Last night I had a very vivid dream about the zombie apocalypse and here is what I learned.

-The zombie uprising will not be caused by the government; instead a witch’s spell will cause the dead to rise
-Donald Faison (Turk from scrubs) will lead the resistance, after Sigourney Weaver has a mental break down due to her inability to live up to the standards of her character Ripley in the Alien movies.
-Even in the Apocalypse, I will not be able to drive stick shift, but it is incredibly easy to learn when being chased by zombies.
-Spiders don’t turn into zombies, but they do grow to be at least 5 times normal size
-Zombies really like Johnny Depp movies and Joel Silver movies… they horde them, no idea if they know how to use a DVD player.
-Rosanne lives amongst the zombies as a cook, even though she has not yet been bitten. They are friends.
-There is such thing as Zombie on Zombie crime.
-Zombies love to eat Christmas decorations, when brains are lacking, this is what they go for
-all of you get turned into zombies. Sorry
-The resistance lives in a closet that leads somewhere…I woke up at that point.

Now you can try and analyze this all you want, but these are the facts as I jotted them down at 4am.  

Waldo....WHERE ARE YOU

When it comes to ranking frustrating things in life, Finding Waldo has to be number one, followed distantly by ‘figuring out the opposite sex.’ Sure Waldo is easy to find most the time, but there is always one picture where it is almost impossible to find him. The most frustrating part of the whole thing is when you realize that 5 year olds, who can’t write their own name, can find him in under a minute and you with your vast intellect are left clueless. The more you look for him, the harder it gets. 5 minutes pass, 14 minutes pass, next thing you know you are thinking of going all Vincent Van Gogh and cutting off your ear. As you search and search you start to go through the 5 stages of Waldo-ism. First is Denial, where you don’t believe that Waldo is actually in the picture. Second is the anger phase, where you curse, yell, and throw the book across the room. The third stage is bargaining. You try to strike a deal with anyone you can find to point out where Waldo is. Of course no one will point him out to you for they either can’t find him or are extremely amused by your ineptitude. The fourth stage is depression. You collapse to the floor in the fetal position moaning and crying. The last stage is acceptance. You realize that you can’t find him and you move on to the next page. The 5 stages of Waldo-ism might seem familiar to you, due to it being the same as the 5 stages of grief. This is by no means a coincidence, for grief is derived from one’s inability to find Waldo in the simplest of settings. Plus, the grief people can’t come up with an original idea, due to them being too focused on their own irreconcilable anguish. So when dabbling in the world of Waldo, I warn you to be careful, for if there was ever a starter drug for extreme pain and heartache, it would start with a question, ‘Where is Waldo???’

New Year Resolution-1 You-0

The following is part 3 of a 3 part series on New Year Resolutions

95 percent of people fail to complete their New Year Resolution, according to me. So congratulation is due to the 5 percent that actually complete their goal(s). This raises the question of what do you do once you have failed. You could take the route of “I am a complete failure and no one will ever love me” or the ever popular, “well, everyone breaks resolutions, so whatever.” Where ever you fall on the spectrum, you need some sort plan to deal with your failure. Here are some options:

The Rebound Goal- It doesn’t have to be a resolution, just a goal that you can reach and be proud of. It could be as simple as getting out of bed in the morning. You just need something you can do to feel good about yourself

Jump Back on the Wagon- If by chance you relapsed and started smoking again or eating cake for dinner again, you always have the option to make another crack at your resolution. No need to wait till next year.

Get a Puppy- You will forget about anything that is unimportant (Which most resolutions are). Granted if you don’t want a puppy, shiny objects also work for a lot of people.

Denial- Pretend you did complete your goal. Never underestimate the power of faking it; this should come easily to women. So go out and celebrate like you’re an actual winner, no one will know that you are a failure to the core.

Just remember it is not the end of the world if you fail at your resolution. The sun will still come up tomorrow, no need to be down on yourself, it just proves you are not a mentally strong person, and fairly weak. No one is perfect.

Bad News (Year) Resolutions

The following is part 2 of a 3 part series on New Year Resolutions

Just like people, not every resolution can be a winner. We have all done this before, made horrible resolutions, tried to keep them then failed due to the absurdity of thinking a resolution will fix some broken aspect of your life. Here are 7 resolutions you should NEVER make.

- To Fall In Love- You can’t force love, what you are going to do is trick yourself that you are in love, and then base all future love off a misconception brought to you by the fruits of a resolution.
-Drink/Smoke more- YEAH, you’re so cool and edgy; I bet you are such a bad ass and get all the ladies. Or you have the maturity of a 16 year old. If you are actually 16, I will let it slide.
- Have Sex in a Canoe-YEAH, you’re so cool and edgy; I bet no one has thought of that one. First, you need to find a partner crazy enough to do it. Second, you both have to be fairly coordinated so you don’t tip it. Third, you need to find a canoe. Of course if you are being ironically sarcastic about it. Then you are fine…and NO, I don’t know what ‘Ironically Sarcastic’ means.
- Invent a Word or Phrase That Will ‘Catch On’- You are going to come off like an idiot for a good few months while you try to incorporate “Flemtastical” or “Ironically Sarcastic’ into your everyday language. Your friends are just going to mock you mercilessly. You’re not on the Jersey Shore or a musical artist; it is not going to work. So please stop saying, “I’m just being Selena”
- To Be Popular- Your life is not a ‘She’s All That’ make-over away from making you a ‘popular’ person. You can’t just do everything in a Nada Surf song and suddenly be the guy/girl everyone wants to be.
-To be Healthy and Happy- That sounds simple, but you really cannot control either of those things. Sure you can work out and take vitamins, but that doesn’t make you invincible. You can listen to your happy song and do things that make you happy as much as you want, but you are still going to have bad days or become immune to what makes you happy.
-To No Longer be a Procrastinator- Zebras can’t change their stripes anymore then a procrastinator can stop putting things off. Which is why you will file your taxes the day they are due, you will be pulling an all nighter the day before a big project at work, and you will not go grocery shopping till you have no food left in your house.

This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to Resolutions. There are many more horrible one's out there and if you think yours might be a bad one. It probably is.

So These Are My New Year Resolutions

The following is part 1 of a 4 part series on my take on everything New Year resolution…granted by the time I am done with this series I will have broken all my resolutions.

With the New Year upon us, comes a time where people make resolutions, but what is considered a resolution? This is always up to conjecture from many people so let me clarify. A resolution is a goal to improve a self assessed flaw or to complete tasks from previous years. So for example, wanting to go white water rafting is NOT a resolution, but wanting to be more adventurous is. The exception to the rule is if there is an extensive training process to reach that goal. For example running a race.

My New Year resolutions are going to go as followed. I am taking a 3 pronged approach to self improvement (body, soul, and mind).

Body- The plan is to do yoga 4 times a week, in hopes I will be flexible and balanced enough to complete my resolution to have sex in a canoe. Granted I am already fairly flexible, but I do need to work on my balance.
Soul-I am finally going to learn to play the guitar, I figure if I practice an hour a day I will be able to bare my soul in the form of lovely music like John Mayer in no time. My goal is to do an acoustic cover of Whitney Houston’s ‘Dance with somebody’ on my Birthday in November.
Mind- I have a tendency to start books and then not finish them. With that being said I am going to finish all the books I have started over the years to give me closure, improve my spelling, and knowledge. The books in no specific order are:

1984 by George Orwell
Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman
How to Write a Movie in 21 Days by Viki King
Congratulations! Now What by Bill Cosby
Before You Leap by Kermit the Frog
Deception Point by Dan Brown
Encyclopedia Volume A (really going to regret my NY Resolution of 2006 to read a set of encyclopedias)

One should always have 2-3 resolutions. More than 3 will stretch you to thin. If you have only 1 you don’t have a back up to fall back on when you break the first.