One Friday night in a cold February way back in 2010, I sent my friend Ben a drunken text about watching the movie ‘Daylight,’ which lead me to the idea of a discreet code system involving Sylvester Stallone movies. I call it the ‘Sly Code’ you use a Stallone movie to basically refer to the situation you are currently in with a lady. The code is easy, all you do is text a friend what movie(s) you are watching and they automatically know the situation you are in. I will warn you, it is a fairly graphic code and is not meant for the meek.
Daylight- Not having sex… There could be many reasons why, but the person receiving the text will find it hilarious due to the others misfortune.
The Expendables- One night stand… Some good explosions and you are gone like Dolph Lundgren’s acting Career.
First Blood- Virgin territory…Hopefully there will be sequels otherwise you are just a horrible person.
Cop Land- Minor…you should always ID, but sometimes things happen.
Assassins- Cock Blocked… People will try and prevent you from hooking up, and these people are horrible, no good, very bad people.
Demolition Man- Cock Blocker…You are cock blocking others around you. For it is hilarious and very entertaining to see the frustration on other people’s faces.
Judge Dredd- You got caught… or you are wearing a helmet, but most likely you got caught
The Specialist- Third base… It is a skill.
Cliffhanger- Blue Balls… The only thing worse than Daylight
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot- Cougar…I use the term ‘Cougar’ loosely for it basically refers to any old woman, no matter how attractive.
Tango & Cash- Threesome…If by chance it is a ‘Devils Threesome,’ it becomes Tango & Tango
Rocky 1 thru 5-Ranking system of how crazy/insane a situation is…Rocky being your run of the mill situation, Rocky V being ‘I don’t know how we got to this point.’
Rocky Balboa- I am in a situation which we will never speak of ever again, it never happened, don’t ask me about this in the morning… I hope I never have to use this one.
It is possible to have a double or triple feature or even to start off with one movie just to switch it half way through.
Example- I was watching ‘Cop Land,’ but realized it was a bad idea so I watched ‘Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot,’ instead, which was also a bad idea.
I am sure women can also use this code system, but I feel like Reese Witherspoon or Kate Hudson movies would be more fitting.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
8 Things You Should NEVER Do After Getting Dumped
After decades of research I have come up with a list of the top 8 things you should NEVER do after a break-up. There are no exceptions to these rules. These are like the 10 commandments of Break-ups, granted there are only 8, but that’s due to getting rid of the 2 that were fluff.
-Drawing a black heart on your arm- Do you really need a physical reminder of your break-up or to have people ask you all the time what the deal is with the heart? No, you don’t. It is not healthy mentally or physically(ink poisoning).
-Build a shrine- Besides the fact it is extremely creepy. Actually I am blinded by the creepiness of it to the point where I don’t think anything else needs to be said.
-Flatten their tires-Really? Are you 13? There is an obvious reason why he/she dumped you and I am guessing it was a maturity issue.
-Crying to the ex- Calling the other person in tears, really just re-enforces that they made the right decision. You might think it is showing how hurt you are and how much you like them. They just see it as being annoying and wondering how long they have to listen before hanging up and it not being rude.
-The “Say Anything”- Standing outside someone’s window with a boom box while wearing a trench coat doesn’t work. It didn’t work in the movie; it is not going to work in real life. Sure it is a great romantic gesture, but maybe if you did something like that before you got dumped, you wouldn’t have gotten dumped?
- Contacting the ex’s mother- Never drag someone else’s family into a break-up, especially a messy one. Telling the ex’s mom that their son is a “no good cheater” or that their daughter is a “whore” is juvenile and petty. If you want to rip on them, you have your own family and friends to talk trash to, don’t become the psycho ex.
-Buy a Pig- That is just solid advice for anyone no matter their relationship status.
-Watch the Notebook with a Pint of Ice Cream- Yeah, I can look past the ice cream, but the Notebook? Really? Pick a better movie, maybe one with Will Smith or Matt Damon.
I know there are other things you shouldn’t do after getting dumped, but these are the major ones.
-Drawing a black heart on your arm- Do you really need a physical reminder of your break-up or to have people ask you all the time what the deal is with the heart? No, you don’t. It is not healthy mentally or physically(ink poisoning).
-Build a shrine- Besides the fact it is extremely creepy. Actually I am blinded by the creepiness of it to the point where I don’t think anything else needs to be said.
-Flatten their tires-Really? Are you 13? There is an obvious reason why he/she dumped you and I am guessing it was a maturity issue.
-Crying to the ex- Calling the other person in tears, really just re-enforces that they made the right decision. You might think it is showing how hurt you are and how much you like them. They just see it as being annoying and wondering how long they have to listen before hanging up and it not being rude.
-The “Say Anything”- Standing outside someone’s window with a boom box while wearing a trench coat doesn’t work. It didn’t work in the movie; it is not going to work in real life. Sure it is a great romantic gesture, but maybe if you did something like that before you got dumped, you wouldn’t have gotten dumped?
- Contacting the ex’s mother- Never drag someone else’s family into a break-up, especially a messy one. Telling the ex’s mom that their son is a “no good cheater” or that their daughter is a “whore” is juvenile and petty. If you want to rip on them, you have your own family and friends to talk trash to, don’t become the psycho ex.
-Buy a Pig- That is just solid advice for anyone no matter their relationship status.
-Watch the Notebook with a Pint of Ice Cream- Yeah, I can look past the ice cream, but the Notebook? Really? Pick a better movie, maybe one with Will Smith or Matt Damon.
I know there are other things you shouldn’t do after getting dumped, but these are the major ones.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Acceptance Starts with Nudity
Here is a re-post of a blast from the past.
I think there needs to be some sort of acceptance for people that have nude photographs, not to be confused with porn or low budget porn. I am pretty sure at some point we have all been caught with our pants down and someone has gotten a picture. Things like this happen, sometimes on accident, others on purpose with friends, and some done by themselves in front of a mirror (the trick to getting the best picture is not to use a flash and do it in the morning). So why not make it acceptable and not an act of debauchery.
I am not talking about making watching porn at work acceptable, but not holding nude photos against someone. For example instead of ostracizing Vanessa Hudgens for having nude pictures leaked on the internet we should be ‘tar and feathering’ Ashley Tisdale and Zac Efron for not having nude pictures of themselves out there. Why fire the teacher for having racy photographs on her myspace page. Punish the 65 year old English teacher driving a Chrysler 300 for not being open minded enough to accept freedom of expression. Ok, maybe that’s a little extreme, but why not just treat the pictures as a form of modern art and consider the models artists, not Tramps.
I know what you are thinking, you are labeling me a liberal pervert, but hear me out. Think of some of the good this will do.
1-Prevents being blackmailed by ex’s with nude photos.
2-Helps get people more comfortable with their body, thus reducing eating disorders, raising self-confidence and self-esteem.
3-Eliminates the shame a lot of people have with being naked.
4-No need to come up with excuses or hide in humiliation if someone stabs you in the back and leaks your pics on the internet.
5- No more 11 o’clock news stories about obscene art.
6- Nudity will no longer be used for ‘shock’ value.
I am not backing filling the world with nudity, just being ok with the nudity that is meant to stay private, but occasionally gets out. I am not the reincarnation of Larry Flint, nor am I saying that we should have some sort of database where everyone uploads there photos or that people under the age of 18 should be trading nude pictures of each other like baseball cards (no one under the age of 18 should be allowed to have a digital camera, a camera phone or a webcam, that is almost like buying them a case of beer and lending them your car keys). The purpose is to reach a level of acceptance, open mindedness, and if possible become a less judgmental society. Then again maybe it’s only me that wants that. On a completely unrelated note, if you get an email from someone with my name in the title, open at your own risk.
I think there needs to be some sort of acceptance for people that have nude photographs, not to be confused with porn or low budget porn. I am pretty sure at some point we have all been caught with our pants down and someone has gotten a picture. Things like this happen, sometimes on accident, others on purpose with friends, and some done by themselves in front of a mirror (the trick to getting the best picture is not to use a flash and do it in the morning). So why not make it acceptable and not an act of debauchery.
I am not talking about making watching porn at work acceptable, but not holding nude photos against someone. For example instead of ostracizing Vanessa Hudgens for having nude pictures leaked on the internet we should be ‘tar and feathering’ Ashley Tisdale and Zac Efron for not having nude pictures of themselves out there. Why fire the teacher for having racy photographs on her myspace page. Punish the 65 year old English teacher driving a Chrysler 300 for not being open minded enough to accept freedom of expression. Ok, maybe that’s a little extreme, but why not just treat the pictures as a form of modern art and consider the models artists, not Tramps.
I know what you are thinking, you are labeling me a liberal pervert, but hear me out. Think of some of the good this will do.
1-Prevents being blackmailed by ex’s with nude photos.
2-Helps get people more comfortable with their body, thus reducing eating disorders, raising self-confidence and self-esteem.
3-Eliminates the shame a lot of people have with being naked.
4-No need to come up with excuses or hide in humiliation if someone stabs you in the back and leaks your pics on the internet.
5- No more 11 o’clock news stories about obscene art.
6- Nudity will no longer be used for ‘shock’ value.
I am not backing filling the world with nudity, just being ok with the nudity that is meant to stay private, but occasionally gets out. I am not the reincarnation of Larry Flint, nor am I saying that we should have some sort of database where everyone uploads there photos or that people under the age of 18 should be trading nude pictures of each other like baseball cards (no one under the age of 18 should be allowed to have a digital camera, a camera phone or a webcam, that is almost like buying them a case of beer and lending them your car keys). The purpose is to reach a level of acceptance, open mindedness, and if possible become a less judgmental society. Then again maybe it’s only me that wants that. On a completely unrelated note, if you get an email from someone with my name in the title, open at your own risk.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Kevin Spacey Kills another Great Idea of Mine
In my heart of hearts I think there is something deeply romantic about writing in composition notebooks. Also may be a little high school-ish. Granted I am no longer allowed to write my thoughts down in composition notebooks for fear someone will stumble upon it and think I am the guy from se7en. Although, I have always wanted to fill one up from front to back, every line of every page and then leave it in a random public library with no name on it, with the last page being directions to pass it on to anyone or leave it in another public library. Why put all that hard work and thought into something just to let it go? I would like to compare it to an artist giving away a painting to a random stranger. You never know what will happen to it, but you can imagine and hope that it touches people deeply while it is on its journey.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
How Does A Needle Get In A Haystack?
There is an age old expression, “it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack.” This obviously refers to something that is on the edge of impossible. But the real question is who really lost a needle in a haystack. I believe this goes back to the days of America first becoming free from the tyrants in England. There was a young lady by the name of Bonnie Ross, who wanted to get into the spirit of America and its fight; she decided to make a flag for the country. Her husband at the time John Ross was not a fan of the idea, he knew his wife was very clumsy and lacked any hand eye coordination. So Bonnie was forced to steal a needle and some thread, and took to the barn loft to work on her flag in secret. A few days later and a lot of accidental finger pricks, she was just about to finish when she dropped the needle from the loft and into a haystack. Bonnie being very stubborn decided to look for it, instead of stealing a new one. She spent days going thru it, with no luck. She got so desperate that she called in her younger sister Elizabeth for help. Elizabeth was very clever and jealous of her sister; she decided to use this situation to seek revenge on the life that she wanted. So Elizabeth stole the flag and ran off to put the final touches on it. Bonnie was clueless, for she inherited her father’s stubbornness to never give up and kept searching. She searched night and day for 6 months, until one day her husband showed up hand in hand with Elizabeth. He informed Bonnie that he was leaving her, due to her sick obsession with this impossible and that her sister had won him over with the amazing flag she made. Bonnie lost it at that point, partly due to heartache, partly due to the insanity that came with painstakingly searching for a needle in the haystack. She ended up running off with an up and coming bank robber named Clyde. John would open up his own upholstery business with his new bride Elizabeth. Elizabeth, who preferred to go by Betsy, would go on to steal credit for creating the American Flag. TRUE STORY.
Monday, May 31, 2010
How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Being Unknown
The biggest issue about being unknown is the off chance that you become famous or popular. For once you are known, you are no longer unknown and lose all underground street cred and anonymousness, very quickly; just ask just about every indie band over the last decade. They went big and lost their identity and pretty much there soul. Staying unknown is not easy, especially if you are awesome and/or talented. It takes discipline and laziness. You can go the mile, just not the extra mile. It is a way of living your life to the full, just not the fullest. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being famous or popular, but their lives are full of very high expectations and massive failure is always right around the corner. Example Lindsey Lohan. You can reach personal success and all your dreams while still being unknown.
I know what you’re thinking, “who in their right mind wouldn’t want to be known and have many leather bound books?” To my knowledge everyone has their own reason to not want to be the BIG DEAL, just as much as others have reasons to want to be THE BIG DEAL. In the end I think it all comes back to one’s own personal freedom. You can do so much more of what you want if you are not a role model to millions of kids and be judged a lot less harshly by not having to meet others extremely high expectations. Example Miley Cyrus. I respect everyone that actually attempts and tries to go after their dreams, but I lack respect to those that personally sell out to get there. Those that compromise to the point of losing sight of what they truly wanted to do and loved about what they were doing.
I should stress that I am not saying DON’T be a role model and that you should avoid any opportunity that you might fail. I think failure is a rite of passage and you learn more from failing then succeeding. I am trying to say that fame and popularity puts you under a certain microscope that gives people what they assume is there ‘rite’ to dissect you like a frog and judge away at your inner workings. Whereas the more unknown you are the less you get judged and the less ‘other voices’ you hear in your head pulling you around.
I know what you’re thinking, “who in their right mind wouldn’t want to be known and have many leather bound books?” To my knowledge everyone has their own reason to not want to be the BIG DEAL, just as much as others have reasons to want to be THE BIG DEAL. In the end I think it all comes back to one’s own personal freedom. You can do so much more of what you want if you are not a role model to millions of kids and be judged a lot less harshly by not having to meet others extremely high expectations. Example Miley Cyrus. I respect everyone that actually attempts and tries to go after their dreams, but I lack respect to those that personally sell out to get there. Those that compromise to the point of losing sight of what they truly wanted to do and loved about what they were doing.
I should stress that I am not saying DON’T be a role model and that you should avoid any opportunity that you might fail. I think failure is a rite of passage and you learn more from failing then succeeding. I am trying to say that fame and popularity puts you under a certain microscope that gives people what they assume is there ‘rite’ to dissect you like a frog and judge away at your inner workings. Whereas the more unknown you are the less you get judged and the less ‘other voices’ you hear in your head pulling you around.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Food For Thought
I have many pet peeves, some just (people that text while driving) and some not so just (people that have never heard of the movie Labyrinth). People that take pictures of their food and then post it on Facebook or Twitter fall somewhere in between those two. What is the point of it? To show people what you are about to eat? To brag about how you made this fancy dish that any one who could read and follow directions could make? It makes no sense to me and bothers me. I don’t believe it is jealousy, for usually the stuff I see doesn’t look that great. I like to think the same people that take pictures of their food, are the same people that if they ever become a serial killer would take pictures of there victims before killing them. The more I ponder this, the more fired up I get. What is next? Are these same people going to start taking pictures of random pairs of shoes or flip flops that they are currently wearing? I now feel like I need to do something even more absurd to top these people and I know exactly what it is. I am going to start posting pictures of my favorite trees. That is right. TREES. Arbor Day COME EARLY.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A ‘Lifetime’ of Great Movies
It is no secret that I enjoy Lifetime movies and I am not ashamed to admit it. They are one of the greatest guilty pleasures in the world. Especially the ones from the 90’s, the new class of Lifetime movies from the 00’s just aren’t as good. After much deliberation I have come up with my top 5 all time favorite Lifetime movies.
AND YES, THEY ARE RANKED
1-No One Would Tell (1996)-Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) plays the abusive jock boyfriend of DJ from Full House. This movie has all the great elements of a LT movie, washed up actors, bad script, over acting, great 90’s fashion, drama and murder. No One Would Tell, was also the stepping stone for Fred Savage, to play more evil roles such as the Professor in Boy Meets World that tries to hook up with Topanga. NOT COOL, no one hooks up with Topanga except his brother Corry.
2- Her Last Chance (1996)- How could there be any list of top LT movies without having a Kellie Martin movie? That’s like having a list of the best basketball players all time and leaving Michael Jordan off of it. The movie is about a former drug addict (Kellie) just trying to make it in this cruel, cruel, unfair sober world and later getting accused of killing her douche bag boyfriend played by NONE OTHER THEN….WAIT FOR IT, the late great JONATHON BRANDIS of Sea Quest, Sidekicks and Lady Bugs fame. Her Last Chance also has by far the best soundtrack of any LT movie ever.
3- Not Our Son (1995)- Neil Patrick Harris (DOOGIE HOWSER!!!) plays an extremely creepy arsonist with really really really big glasses, whose family turns on him to get him caught. I believe it is based off a true story, so you will feel guilty about laughing thru the whole thing, well. Maybe you will.
4- Killing Mr. Griffin (1997)-What do you get when you combine a Pink Power Ranger, AC Slater and the blonde from Dawson’s Creek with some other no name talents from the 90’s into one movie? You get this little gem about students feed up with a mean teacher, who they, well, decide to kill, but the Pink Power Ranger gets tricked into via ‘She’s All That Style.’ I would have said ‘spoiler alert,’ but the title already gave away the whole movie.
5- When Secrets Kill (1997)- Lacey Chabert (Mean Girls/Party of Five) plays a girl who if I remember correctly is adopted, but as soon as her biological mom turns up dead after appearing in her life out of nowhere, chaos and high jinks ensue. It is a real ‘who done it’ full of twists, turns, and whiny voices.
Right now you are thinking one of two things. You are either think ‘wow, I remember some of these and they are awesome” or you are thinking ‘WOW, I really need to track these movies down.” Even those of you who loath these types of movies are jumping on one of those two bandwagons for there is no way you can deny the greatness of these movies. In fact, with the rerun season almost upon us, I bet everyone is going to tune into the lifetime movie network this summer trying to catch these classics.
AND YES, THEY ARE RANKED
1-No One Would Tell (1996)-Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) plays the abusive jock boyfriend of DJ from Full House. This movie has all the great elements of a LT movie, washed up actors, bad script, over acting, great 90’s fashion, drama and murder. No One Would Tell, was also the stepping stone for Fred Savage, to play more evil roles such as the Professor in Boy Meets World that tries to hook up with Topanga. NOT COOL, no one hooks up with Topanga except his brother Corry.
2- Her Last Chance (1996)- How could there be any list of top LT movies without having a Kellie Martin movie? That’s like having a list of the best basketball players all time and leaving Michael Jordan off of it. The movie is about a former drug addict (Kellie) just trying to make it in this cruel, cruel, unfair sober world and later getting accused of killing her douche bag boyfriend played by NONE OTHER THEN….WAIT FOR IT, the late great JONATHON BRANDIS of Sea Quest, Sidekicks and Lady Bugs fame. Her Last Chance also has by far the best soundtrack of any LT movie ever.
3- Not Our Son (1995)- Neil Patrick Harris (DOOGIE HOWSER!!!) plays an extremely creepy arsonist with really really really big glasses, whose family turns on him to get him caught. I believe it is based off a true story, so you will feel guilty about laughing thru the whole thing, well. Maybe you will.
4- Killing Mr. Griffin (1997)-What do you get when you combine a Pink Power Ranger, AC Slater and the blonde from Dawson’s Creek with some other no name talents from the 90’s into one movie? You get this little gem about students feed up with a mean teacher, who they, well, decide to kill, but the Pink Power Ranger gets tricked into via ‘She’s All That Style.’ I would have said ‘spoiler alert,’ but the title already gave away the whole movie.
5- When Secrets Kill (1997)- Lacey Chabert (Mean Girls/Party of Five) plays a girl who if I remember correctly is adopted, but as soon as her biological mom turns up dead after appearing in her life out of nowhere, chaos and high jinks ensue. It is a real ‘who done it’ full of twists, turns, and whiny voices.
Right now you are thinking one of two things. You are either think ‘wow, I remember some of these and they are awesome” or you are thinking ‘WOW, I really need to track these movies down.” Even those of you who loath these types of movies are jumping on one of those two bandwagons for there is no way you can deny the greatness of these movies. In fact, with the rerun season almost upon us, I bet everyone is going to tune into the lifetime movie network this summer trying to catch these classics.
For The Birds
Is it awkward I keep binoculars in my car? It is totally for bird watching, I mean what other use could there be? I like to think when I use them it is fairly obvious, it’s not like my windows are tinted, and it would be dumb for me to just sit in my car and peer into people’s house windows or stare at people as they walk down the street. I love looking at birds from afar; I have seen so many different kinds thru my binoculars, red ones, blue ones, attractive ones, and ducks, some birds with very pretty tail feathers others with tail feathers that could use some work. None of that is awkward at all. It is natural, like nature, it is there to be observed. Sometimes to get a better look at the birds I have to hide in bushes so I don’t scare them off. Other times I climb up into trees to get a closer look, for binoculars can only magnify so much. I must say sometimes it gets really hot in the bush or tree and I am forced to remove my paints. Also it helps prevent me from ripping them on branches, for that would be embarrassing wandering around with ripped pants. So if you look out your window some time and you see me in a tree with no pants on and it appears that I am peering into your bathroom window, I am not looking at you, there is just a really cool bird on your roof. So no need to call the cops or get creeped out. I just realllly enjoy nature.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Cleveland Cavs Only Hurt Me because they LOVE ME
I want to write about the Cleveland Cavs and the complete playoff implosion, but it hurts too much to do so. Instead I will discuss the complex relationship I have with the Cavs, even though they disappoint me every season, but I keep coming back like Whitney Houston to Bobby Brown. The Cleveland Cavs and I started dating in the third grade when I started my semi-professional playing days. She was the prettiest girl around. Sure I flirted with other teams for awhile my favorite hat was an Indiana Pacers hat, but Mark Price was my favorite player (still is). My first game came soon after at the old Richfield Coliseum against the Milwaukee Bucks and it was amazing. My fanaticism only grew from there, especially when my playing career ended tragically in 8th grade, when my skill level was completely gone. We got engaged in high school and married sophomore year in college (a year before Lebron, also that 17 win season is still my favorite). I have seen great times (making the finals, finally beating Detroit in the playoffs) to the bad (trading Mark Price, Brad Daughters corpse, EPIC collapses against the Orlando Magic last season and Boston this season) and the fun times (the mid 90’s teams, Darius Miles fists to the head thing, Drew Gooden). So I am in for the long haul with the Cavs, till death do us part, for I am ‘catholic’ so divorce isn’t really a realistic option.
Now that you know a little background info, let’s dive into the deep psychological aspect of why the past two seasons have left me emotionally and mentally bruised and why I will take even more of it. It all centers on the belief that ‘this is our year.’ You see there are 4 types of years for any sports team’s expectation level;
1-We have no shot- think Pittsburgh Pirates (MLB) every year, no way are they winning anything, there fans celebrate if they win 65 games.
2-We are going to surprise some people- We are young, have some talent, and everyone is going to underestimate our ability. Think Oklahoma City Thunder of Seattle the last few years in the NBA.
3-We are good, but we are not winning it this year-favorite example of this, The Cleveland Cavs of 06-07. They made the finals against San Antonio and promptly got swept, it sucked, but I fully understood that we had no right to win it that year.
4-THIS IS OUR YEAR- it is a season of high expectations when nothing less than winning it all is satisfactory and what makes it even more intense is the fact you are one of 3-4 times that should win it.
The last two seasons the Cleveland Cavs have been hardcore in the THIS IS OUR YEAR level of expectations. Finishing both years with the best record in the regular season, this is no easy feat. They have set the expectations so high that I expect nothing less than a championship and they have fallen flat on their face early in the playoffs both years. The plot of both years was basically the same, and seemed to have been stolen from Tracey Chapman’s song ‘Fast Car.’ The team has obvious problems, we think we beat our problems, and then we end up with the same problems again down the line in the playoffs, that beats us. This leaves everyone involved angry, frustrated and depressed, multiply all that by the lack of a champion in Cleveland for 3 centuries and you get an indescribable feeling. It is especially painful this season when it looked like the whole team just quit on the basketball court after game 3, but I don’t want to talk about it, its only going to get me upset, more then I already am.
Why do I keep following the Cleveland Cavs? Why don’t I jump ship like so many alleged fans will when/if Lebron jumps ship? Because the ship is located on a river that is on fire, and I would rather be stuck on an always sinking ship then burn. Being a Cavs/Cleveland fan also has the comparison of smashing your head against a brick wall, it is going to feel oh so good when you stop, and the only way to stop is to have a championship tear down the wall and we will rejoice like the people in Berlin did with David Hasselhoff music. That day may never come, but I am sure the Germans thought the same thing.
I will end on this inspirational quote. Ok, I couldn’t think of any, but had I thought of one, it would have gone here.
Now that you know a little background info, let’s dive into the deep psychological aspect of why the past two seasons have left me emotionally and mentally bruised and why I will take even more of it. It all centers on the belief that ‘this is our year.’ You see there are 4 types of years for any sports team’s expectation level;
1-We have no shot- think Pittsburgh Pirates (MLB) every year, no way are they winning anything, there fans celebrate if they win 65 games.
2-We are going to surprise some people- We are young, have some talent, and everyone is going to underestimate our ability. Think Oklahoma City Thunder of Seattle the last few years in the NBA.
3-We are good, but we are not winning it this year-favorite example of this, The Cleveland Cavs of 06-07. They made the finals against San Antonio and promptly got swept, it sucked, but I fully understood that we had no right to win it that year.
4-THIS IS OUR YEAR- it is a season of high expectations when nothing less than winning it all is satisfactory and what makes it even more intense is the fact you are one of 3-4 times that should win it.
The last two seasons the Cleveland Cavs have been hardcore in the THIS IS OUR YEAR level of expectations. Finishing both years with the best record in the regular season, this is no easy feat. They have set the expectations so high that I expect nothing less than a championship and they have fallen flat on their face early in the playoffs both years. The plot of both years was basically the same, and seemed to have been stolen from Tracey Chapman’s song ‘Fast Car.’ The team has obvious problems, we think we beat our problems, and then we end up with the same problems again down the line in the playoffs, that beats us. This leaves everyone involved angry, frustrated and depressed, multiply all that by the lack of a champion in Cleveland for 3 centuries and you get an indescribable feeling. It is especially painful this season when it looked like the whole team just quit on the basketball court after game 3, but I don’t want to talk about it, its only going to get me upset, more then I already am.
Why do I keep following the Cleveland Cavs? Why don’t I jump ship like so many alleged fans will when/if Lebron jumps ship? Because the ship is located on a river that is on fire, and I would rather be stuck on an always sinking ship then burn. Being a Cavs/Cleveland fan also has the comparison of smashing your head against a brick wall, it is going to feel oh so good when you stop, and the only way to stop is to have a championship tear down the wall and we will rejoice like the people in Berlin did with David Hasselhoff music. That day may never come, but I am sure the Germans thought the same thing.
I will end on this inspirational quote. Ok, I couldn’t think of any, but had I thought of one, it would have gone here.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
FREE advice
I often wonder how hard it is to actually write an advice column. The people reading it are obviously desperate and will listen to anything you have to say, so you could tell them just about anything and they’d be grateful for it. If it works great, if it doesn’t work, there are really no negative effects for yourself. If you are a weatherman and you screw up, due to something that isn’t even remotely your fault everyone hates you. Not true with advice columnists. They get a free pass to tinker with other people’s lives. It is like being a robot repairman, full and well knowing that whatever you do to try and fix the robot, it won’t completely break it. The person is just happy you tried to fix it.
What are the qualifications to be an advice columnist? Good listener? Psyche degree? Wise Sage that lives in the foothills of Mt. Everest? Nope, I think all you have to do is have some sort of mailing address, be able to put together congruent sentences, and most importantly have some sort of witty alliterated alias/column name. Example ‘Chris Christopher’s Caring Corner. It also might help if you change your first name to Doctor or throw in a fake PhD in there somewhere, for everyone trusts a doctor. What newspaper would not pick-up that advice column? Especially given the state of the printed news? They need gimmicks like advice columns.
What are the qualifications to be an advice columnist? Good listener? Psyche degree? Wise Sage that lives in the foothills of Mt. Everest? Nope, I think all you have to do is have some sort of mailing address, be able to put together congruent sentences, and most importantly have some sort of witty alliterated alias/column name. Example ‘Chris Christopher’s Caring Corner. It also might help if you change your first name to Doctor or throw in a fake PhD in there somewhere, for everyone trusts a doctor. What newspaper would not pick-up that advice column? Especially given the state of the printed news? They need gimmicks like advice columns.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Seriously People
I really want to write something very deep and powerful, but I realize that is not an easy task to do while wearing a fake mustache. I shall try though. I feel like people don’t take me seriously and I can’t understand why? I have a feeling it comes from me finding humor in just about everything I encounter. I don’t take the world that seriously, which would make sense that it doesn’t take me seriously. Why should one take everything so serious, I believe the saying is “life is longer the more serious you take it,” which is true for if you make the wrong joke in front of the wrong person, you will get murdered. The South Park creatures are probably going to learn that the hard way, much like I will someday. I do understand that at times there are things you have to take seriously, which I do to some degree, but I see humor as being the condiment that makes everything taste better, like the world’s natural sour cream. For the record, I don’t see myself as being a funny person as much as I think I just see life in a whole different light then others due, which then leads to comedic interactions.
I find nothing more annoying/frustrating then people with no sense of humor. We all know the type, the ultra-serious that never laugh, never even attempt to make jokes and just basically complain about everything. These are not overly bad people, but I don’t want to be around them due to their ‘buzz killer’ mentality. It is also really hard to have an actual conversation with them thanks to their inability to pick up sarcasm or humor of any type. It is like having a face to face instant message with someone, with you always having to explain what everything meant. These people really only have two real purposes in this life. One, to make everyone else seem funnier and two, to do all the boring jobs no one with a sense of humor could do for long periods of time without going insane, like finance and accounting.
I find nothing more annoying/frustrating then people with no sense of humor. We all know the type, the ultra-serious that never laugh, never even attempt to make jokes and just basically complain about everything. These are not overly bad people, but I don’t want to be around them due to their ‘buzz killer’ mentality. It is also really hard to have an actual conversation with them thanks to their inability to pick up sarcasm or humor of any type. It is like having a face to face instant message with someone, with you always having to explain what everything meant. These people really only have two real purposes in this life. One, to make everyone else seem funnier and two, to do all the boring jobs no one with a sense of humor could do for long periods of time without going insane, like finance and accounting.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
No Need to Stop Showering and Live in a Tree to Save the Earth
I am all about saving the environment and trying to prevent global warming and what not. I believe it stems from the fact I want to ‘leaf’ this world a better place for any future kids I may have. Granted I still eat meat, I rarely recycle, I don’t monitor my carbon footprint, and though my car is a hybrid, it is not the good kind (half car/half rust). So what am I doing to save the environment? A load of things, many of which I think everyone should adopt. They are easy, simple, and will not change how you live your life one bit.
1-Don’t drill for oil- I think we all know what happens when people that don’t know what they are doing, drill for oil (Reference British Petroleum)
2-Don’t start a paper company-I like trees, you like trees. If you’re going to start a paper company, at least make it a paperless paper company. Revolutionize the whole industry.
3-When visiting a national park, don’t set it on fire-This one is tough to do, for I know how much everyone loves to watch things burn.
4-Only use aerosol products inside- They can’t get to the ozone if they are trapped in the air in your attic. That’s just common sense mixed with some science.
5-Litter- This sounds bad, but our landfills are filling up and polluting the world around us, so instead of having 47 foot high mounds of trash stretching 36 square acres, have half an inch of litter almost everywhere? I believe it will biodegrade faster.
6-Don’t molest wild life- sure it might be funny to get a picture of you riding a goose at the park, but they do not enjoy it.
I am sure I could be doing more, but if I do more it would be inconvenient to my own life and why should I sacrifice my own life for the world around me, I am no Jesus. Also can one person really make that much of a difference on a large scale? Sure people will say it all starts with one, but you know what else usually starts with one and ends badly for all. CULTS. Think about that next time some environmentalist hipster tries to make you drink the save the earth kool-aid.
1-Don’t drill for oil- I think we all know what happens when people that don’t know what they are doing, drill for oil (Reference British Petroleum)
2-Don’t start a paper company-I like trees, you like trees. If you’re going to start a paper company, at least make it a paperless paper company. Revolutionize the whole industry.
3-When visiting a national park, don’t set it on fire-This one is tough to do, for I know how much everyone loves to watch things burn.
4-Only use aerosol products inside- They can’t get to the ozone if they are trapped in the air in your attic. That’s just common sense mixed with some science.
5-Litter- This sounds bad, but our landfills are filling up and polluting the world around us, so instead of having 47 foot high mounds of trash stretching 36 square acres, have half an inch of litter almost everywhere? I believe it will biodegrade faster.
6-Don’t molest wild life- sure it might be funny to get a picture of you riding a goose at the park, but they do not enjoy it.
I am sure I could be doing more, but if I do more it would be inconvenient to my own life and why should I sacrifice my own life for the world around me, I am no Jesus. Also can one person really make that much of a difference on a large scale? Sure people will say it all starts with one, but you know what else usually starts with one and ends badly for all. CULTS. Think about that next time some environmentalist hipster tries to make you drink the save the earth kool-aid.
Monday, May 3, 2010
State By State
There are people in this world that have really odd goals in life. One of the oddest goals I have ever heard of was a friend who wanted to have intimate relations with a girl in every state. Not specifically a different girl in every state, just in every state. His goal has inspired me to do one of my own. I am not one to steal someone else’s thunder, so my goal will be slightly different, and maybe even more difficult to accomplish. My goal is to have intimate relations with a girl named after every state. This means I don’t have to go through all the boring states like Nebraska, Maine and what not. I have come up with a couple rules, conditions, and guidelines for my goal. In no specific order:
1-First or last name count.
2-Stripper names DO NOT count, unless it is on their drivers license.
3-Always ID.
4-Fully knowing there is no one out there named New Hampshire, The word ‘new’ will be replaced by a virgin or someone under 20, but legal. Thus I just need to find a girl named Hampshire.
5-When it comes to directional states like North Dakota, the direction will be indicate by position. North means her on top, South her on the bottom and West means doggy style.
6-No girl can be used for more than one state, which means I need to find multiple Dakota’s and Carolinas.
7-In order to keep track I will buy one of those state sticker maps that you see on the back of Winnebagos and place it on the top of my Neon’s Trunk and fill in states as I go.
I understand on paper this sounds like a horrible thing, but we all need goals in life to motivate ourselves to reach new heights. This is mine. Could I have thought of a better one? Of course. Maybe someday I will have multiply goals, but that’s more of a dream of mine.
1-First or last name count.
2-Stripper names DO NOT count, unless it is on their drivers license.
3-Always ID.
4-Fully knowing there is no one out there named New Hampshire, The word ‘new’ will be replaced by a virgin or someone under 20, but legal. Thus I just need to find a girl named Hampshire.
5-When it comes to directional states like North Dakota, the direction will be indicate by position. North means her on top, South her on the bottom and West means doggy style.
6-No girl can be used for more than one state, which means I need to find multiple Dakota’s and Carolinas.
7-In order to keep track I will buy one of those state sticker maps that you see on the back of Winnebagos and place it on the top of my Neon’s Trunk and fill in states as I go.
I understand on paper this sounds like a horrible thing, but we all need goals in life to motivate ourselves to reach new heights. This is mine. Could I have thought of a better one? Of course. Maybe someday I will have multiply goals, but that’s more of a dream of mine.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
A Whole Lot of Frogs
Women are always going on about how they have to kiss a bunch of frogs to find there prince. What they don’t realize is that ever guy plays the role of someone’s frog at least once in their life and that she is eventually just settling for someone else’s frog, not a prince. Her mind has been warped due to Disney movies and teen popstar music. No one can live up to the outlandish expectations that are set in front of them when given the ‘prince standard.’ Sure one can try like hell, but guys, like all people and most mammals in general are flawed and not able to maintain perfection. I like to think 60% of women understand that, but still look for it, yearning and hoping for it. 30% still whole heartedly believe in this cautionary fairy tale with their warped opinion of an actual prince charming. That leaves 10% of women who make fun of the other 90% for being so naive. I don’t really find it to be a problem for women to have extremely high standards for their men, but at some point you have to realize that it is epically high and if you don’t lower at least some of your standards you will become a cat lady. I could be completely off on this for I am a guy, and if I actually knew how women thought, I probably wouldn’t be single and wouldn’t be writing this.
Guys before you get all smug that women are crazy; we have that same sense of kissing frogs, except we switch the word ‘frog’ to something more vulgar and offensive towards females and dogs. Granted our standards are not nearly as high and we don’t smell nearly as good as females.
Guys before you get all smug that women are crazy; we have that same sense of kissing frogs, except we switch the word ‘frog’ to something more vulgar and offensive towards females and dogs. Granted our standards are not nearly as high and we don’t smell nearly as good as females.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Best Left for Dead
We all have skeletons in our closets. The ‘best’ skeletons stay in the closet, chained in there, but sometimes some of them come out for fresh air, even if we don’t want them to. This scares the shit out of me, because skeletons don’t breath, they don’t need the fresh air. They need to stay in the back of the closet next to your favorite pair of torn up Vans that you can’t bear to throw away. But shit happens and they emerge from the darkness of the closet, not because they are tired of the dark, for they have no eyes, but because someone else has dragged it out. Somehow they decided that the skeleton in the closet named Natalie is more interesting then that classic pair of Vans. When the skeleton is released you deal with the aftermath of the chaos it brings. It is much like cleaning up after the Cat and the Hat, you don’t want to do it, but you have no other choice. You can’t just brush it all under the rug, nor can you make light of the situation by using cute little rhymes. You have to face the skeleton, head on. No lies, No bullshit, No excuses. Time is the one thing that has the potential to help deal with the fall out of a loose skeleton. If you are lucky, time will have decayed the skeleton lessoning the blows it will throw. The stench that it leaves will be more from your raggedy blue Vans, then the actual skeleton itself. Once the skeleton is out and you have dealt with the horrors it has brought, you are left with the option of either putting it back in the closet or leaving it dead on your bedroom floor like a hooker who OD-ed on coke. The option is yours and yours alone. No one would blame you for dragging it back in the closet or leaving it out. Deep down they are just thankful that it was you, not them who had to deal with the escaped skeleton. Survival of the fittest my friend, but how can you survive when what you are dealing with is a dead issue?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
'Sister' Act
I am slowly realizing no one will let me date their sister. I find it fairly offensive, for I don’t see myself as being a bad guy. If I was in there position, I would let my sister date me. There is no way to write a sentence like that without sounding creepy, I am fully aware of that. If my brother was actually a girl I would let 40% of my friends date her (not at the same time), which is odd, given I would only let 5% of my female friends date my brother. I digress. The issue is what do my friends have against me that they don’t want me to be potential family? I have come up with two reasons why. They either secretly want me or they don’t want their sister or me to be happy. I had a third reason, being my friends secretly hate me, but who could hate me? That’s just illogical.
The question remains, how do I rectify this problem and make my friends want to set me up with their sisters? I could just let it slide and realize that this whole idea is a horrible mistake, but most of life’s greatest moments come from horrible mistakes. Example: Ben Franklin and flying a kite in a Thunderstorm. Also see, most unplanned pregnancies. I am literally drawing a blank on how to change this. I obviously can’t talk my friends into it, so I will just have to stalk down anyone of my friends whose sister I think there may be potential and plan a ‘chance’ encounter. For if the Shin’s taught me anything in this world, it is that “Caring is Creeping.” No? Not the name of the song? Well it should be. For it’s the truth. In all honesty I will probably do nothing, for do I really want to date a friends’ sister? No, but I would like to have the option if I wanted to.
The question remains, how do I rectify this problem and make my friends want to set me up with their sisters? I could just let it slide and realize that this whole idea is a horrible mistake, but most of life’s greatest moments come from horrible mistakes. Example: Ben Franklin and flying a kite in a Thunderstorm. Also see, most unplanned pregnancies. I am literally drawing a blank on how to change this. I obviously can’t talk my friends into it, so I will just have to stalk down anyone of my friends whose sister I think there may be potential and plan a ‘chance’ encounter. For if the Shin’s taught me anything in this world, it is that “Caring is Creeping.” No? Not the name of the song? Well it should be. For it’s the truth. In all honesty I will probably do nothing, for do I really want to date a friends’ sister? No, but I would like to have the option if I wanted to.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
The Lovely Fall
I wrote the following awhile ago and it is one of the favorite things I have ever written.
Melancholy music just sounds better when out in the fall weather with one’s crush. Certain albums just seem to have that sweatshirt wearing, hand-holding, wandering around in the fallen leaves feel to it. The faint crisp chill of the air adds to the ambiance of the whole experience. The random gusts of wind make you feel like you are alive and that life is wonderful. You feel completely content and genuinely happy for those brief moments as the songs play. It is almost as if each song was written about you, an ode to your life and the brief moments that make it up. Your mind drifts around like the blowing leaves, unable to focus on anything, but the small things. A slight smile creeps across your face, as you remember memories of love past. Your heart starts to race at the idea of love’s future, but the current moment is all that truly matters. The amber and gold surroundings, the feel of your skin against hers, no matter how slight it might be. The chills it brings both of you, each wondering if the other feels it, but neither willing to bring it up. Your eyes briefly meet between songs. Life is on pause for that second, it feels like an eternity. A snap shot you wish you could hold onto forever. You want to say so much, but the next song cuts you off before you can even move your lips. The two of you are moving with no real destination and no real purpose. You’re learning more about each other in the silence, then in the hundreds of conversations you’ve had before. The shared earbuds are transmitting more than just music, but small pieces of each other’s soul, song by song. Each piece has the warm, soothing feeling of a sip of hot coco, sweet and satisfying. You want to savor ever drop of it. Hoping that the cup never goes empty, but alas the album ends, dark comes quick in the October sky and the moment is over, but not before one singular kiss. A kiss three seasons in the making.
Just for some reference points I wrote this while listening to a mix of The Legends ‘Up Against The Legends” and The Counting Crows “This Desert Life.”
Melancholy music just sounds better when out in the fall weather with one’s crush. Certain albums just seem to have that sweatshirt wearing, hand-holding, wandering around in the fallen leaves feel to it. The faint crisp chill of the air adds to the ambiance of the whole experience. The random gusts of wind make you feel like you are alive and that life is wonderful. You feel completely content and genuinely happy for those brief moments as the songs play. It is almost as if each song was written about you, an ode to your life and the brief moments that make it up. Your mind drifts around like the blowing leaves, unable to focus on anything, but the small things. A slight smile creeps across your face, as you remember memories of love past. Your heart starts to race at the idea of love’s future, but the current moment is all that truly matters. The amber and gold surroundings, the feel of your skin against hers, no matter how slight it might be. The chills it brings both of you, each wondering if the other feels it, but neither willing to bring it up. Your eyes briefly meet between songs. Life is on pause for that second, it feels like an eternity. A snap shot you wish you could hold onto forever. You want to say so much, but the next song cuts you off before you can even move your lips. The two of you are moving with no real destination and no real purpose. You’re learning more about each other in the silence, then in the hundreds of conversations you’ve had before. The shared earbuds are transmitting more than just music, but small pieces of each other’s soul, song by song. Each piece has the warm, soothing feeling of a sip of hot coco, sweet and satisfying. You want to savor ever drop of it. Hoping that the cup never goes empty, but alas the album ends, dark comes quick in the October sky and the moment is over, but not before one singular kiss. A kiss three seasons in the making.
Just for some reference points I wrote this while listening to a mix of The Legends ‘Up Against The Legends” and The Counting Crows “This Desert Life.”
Monday, April 19, 2010
To Catch Chris Hansen
You know who has an interesting life, Chris Hansen. The man could find Jimmy Hoffa’s body, cure AIDs, and solve global warming and his legacy would still be catching pedophiles in kitchens. What does he do with himself now that To Catch a Predator is over with and all you’re left with is the stigma of hanging out with perverts? Maybe he can attempt to let God enter back into his life. Granted he couldn’t go Catholic due to making all the priests very paranoid and generally uncomfortable. Chris could do some home remodeling, I am sure he has plenty of “Predator” cash saved up. Although seeing Chris Hansen wondering around fake kitchen setups in Lowes, would not help his cause or whoever was helping him pick out cabinets. He could take a more active role in his children’s lives. Wait, nope. That is just going to freak teachers out during parent teacher conferences, not to mention when he takes the kids to the park it is going to scare everyone away from the park. Mr. Hansen, by no means has the stigma of being a pedophile just that he is always around them. I have always been told you are no better then the company you keep. I don’t even know how one would be friends with him and actually be able to hang out in public?
Now what would you do if you were Chris Hansen? I personally would start a website that sells life size cut outs of myself. It is a great gift idea for anyone with a kitchen. Which also acts as a reminder for everyone to ID before going home with someone? He could form a Metal band, “Chris Hansen and the Pedophiliacs.” Sadly I bet he is doing none of these things. He is most likely in a shady bar, with a badly grown beard, drinking his life away trying to make friends. I just hope his ice breaker line isn’t, “So I have a few questions for you.”
Now what would you do if you were Chris Hansen? I personally would start a website that sells life size cut outs of myself. It is a great gift idea for anyone with a kitchen. Which also acts as a reminder for everyone to ID before going home with someone? He could form a Metal band, “Chris Hansen and the Pedophiliacs.” Sadly I bet he is doing none of these things. He is most likely in a shady bar, with a badly grown beard, drinking his life away trying to make friends. I just hope his ice breaker line isn’t, “So I have a few questions for you.”
Monday, April 12, 2010
“Pact” and Ready
I really need stop making “marriage pacts” with women. If you are unfamiliar with the term a ‘marriage pact’ is when two people say “if we aren’t marred by (insert random age here) we will get married.” I currently have four of them in effect all for different ages (32, 34, 35, and 40), so my bases are very thoroughly covered. I take from this a few observations.
1-I am seen as marriage material, but not boyfriend material.
2-People just assume I will be single well into my thirties, thus making me a great safety.
3-Women believe I will age gracefully and will still be in great shape like Brad Pitt.
4-I am obviously an amazing lover.
5-I am crazy enough to actually follow thru with the pact
Logic would suggest it would be prudent of me to make as many of these pacts as possible to make sure that at some point I get married and have the ability to keep the “Christopher Wassie Gene Pool” moving on into the future. Also only 16% of women have never been married by age 35 (as of 2005 data, yes I did some research). Mix that in with the divorce rate; only 1 of my 4 will be available come marriage pact time (theoretically). So with all this great empirical data, why do I not want to make more pacts? It is very simple; it is easier to keep track of four options rather than fourteen. The fewer number of pacts also decreases the chance of a woman randomly showing up at my doorstep to propose, just to find out I accepted a previous marriage pact. I can assume it would cause a little bit of friction between the Mrs. and I, which I would like to avoid. No matter how hilarious I would find it, it would get old after the fifth time a woman showed up looking for marriage. For the record, I am not saying I am not going to make more pacts, for eventually they will start to marry off, but I should probably be a little more selective. Not that I regret any of the current pacts I have made…yet.
1-I am seen as marriage material, but not boyfriend material.
2-People just assume I will be single well into my thirties, thus making me a great safety.
3-Women believe I will age gracefully and will still be in great shape like Brad Pitt.
4-I am obviously an amazing lover.
5-I am crazy enough to actually follow thru with the pact
Logic would suggest it would be prudent of me to make as many of these pacts as possible to make sure that at some point I get married and have the ability to keep the “Christopher Wassie Gene Pool” moving on into the future. Also only 16% of women have never been married by age 35 (as of 2005 data, yes I did some research). Mix that in with the divorce rate; only 1 of my 4 will be available come marriage pact time (theoretically). So with all this great empirical data, why do I not want to make more pacts? It is very simple; it is easier to keep track of four options rather than fourteen. The fewer number of pacts also decreases the chance of a woman randomly showing up at my doorstep to propose, just to find out I accepted a previous marriage pact. I can assume it would cause a little bit of friction between the Mrs. and I, which I would like to avoid. No matter how hilarious I would find it, it would get old after the fifth time a woman showed up looking for marriage. For the record, I am not saying I am not going to make more pacts, for eventually they will start to marry off, but I should probably be a little more selective. Not that I regret any of the current pacts I have made…yet.
Friday, April 9, 2010
7 Steps to Getting Over Someone without Building a Bridge
Everyone gets there heartbroken at one time or another and has trouble recovering from it. People have many different techniques, solutions, and home remedies to deal with such pain. I have developed a 7 step processes which will help heal your wounds and move on.
1-Closure- Track down the one that broke your soul into 45 salty pieces and force them to explain their actions. Treat it like an exit interview. Dress nice, be polite, and thank them for everything. Make sure you get a nice list of reasons why it didn’t work out and things you could improve on in the future. This is not an easy thing to do, for you are either extremely bitter and/or extremely sad, so you are going to have to act. Your goal isn’t to make them feel horrible (that’s steps 5 and 6), just to get as much honest, constructive info about the reasons behind the dumping.
2-Rid your place of all reminders by way of fire- There are two ways to do this. You can either go the” mega bonfire” approach or watch each item burn individually. It all depends on how angry you are at the time. This is like welding the coffin shut, while cleansing your living area of reminders of that good for nothing ex, whose feet always smelled and actually liked Bon Jovi.
3- Immerse yourself in something else- you now have an ample slot of free time on your hands since losing the love of your life. So why not use that time to spend more time doing things you like, for example, hobbies, sports, playing video games, catching up with old friends or your Tivo. You also now have more than enough time to finally stalk that cute girl that works at the Starbucks around the corner.
4-Avoid all contact and interaction- This can be tough, but you don’t want to get the “creepy stalker” tag applied to you, for that will make step 6 more difficult. So stop driving by his/her house, calling her at 5am and hanging up and most of all following her around at the mall trying to make chance encounters. Also avoid his/her phone calls, little heads up; they are NOT calling to see if you want to get back together.
5- Work out/ make-over- Your new goal in life should not be to get him/her back, but to look as attractive as possible to attract a new mate. Then when you “accidentally” break step 4, you will plant a seed of “did I do the right thing? Person X is looking really good,” in their mind that has a chance to grow into a mighty oak tree of regret. This is basic mental warfare, and you must win the mind games to win the break-up.
6- Hook up with one of their friends- this is a double edged sword of great idea-ness. It will make your ex feel as distraught as you are/were, all while fulfilling moving on physically with another person. The main goal should be there best friend, but if that is not possible go for one of their lesser friends. Everyone has that one friend that would hook-up with their friends ex, it is just about being able to spot which one it is.
7-Release a bird from the pet store- At this point you have burned bridges to the point you could never have a functional relationship with the person that broke your heart, so you might as well do a symbolic gesture to your new freedom. Also if the fates would have it, that bird might one day poop on your ex’s car, guarantying you get the last laugh.
This program is pretty much flawless and I am willing to bet you cannot find a better one out there. Actually I dare you to try.
1-Closure- Track down the one that broke your soul into 45 salty pieces and force them to explain their actions. Treat it like an exit interview. Dress nice, be polite, and thank them for everything. Make sure you get a nice list of reasons why it didn’t work out and things you could improve on in the future. This is not an easy thing to do, for you are either extremely bitter and/or extremely sad, so you are going to have to act. Your goal isn’t to make them feel horrible (that’s steps 5 and 6), just to get as much honest, constructive info about the reasons behind the dumping.
2-Rid your place of all reminders by way of fire- There are two ways to do this. You can either go the” mega bonfire” approach or watch each item burn individually. It all depends on how angry you are at the time. This is like welding the coffin shut, while cleansing your living area of reminders of that good for nothing ex, whose feet always smelled and actually liked Bon Jovi.
3- Immerse yourself in something else- you now have an ample slot of free time on your hands since losing the love of your life. So why not use that time to spend more time doing things you like, for example, hobbies, sports, playing video games, catching up with old friends or your Tivo. You also now have more than enough time to finally stalk that cute girl that works at the Starbucks around the corner.
4-Avoid all contact and interaction- This can be tough, but you don’t want to get the “creepy stalker” tag applied to you, for that will make step 6 more difficult. So stop driving by his/her house, calling her at 5am and hanging up and most of all following her around at the mall trying to make chance encounters. Also avoid his/her phone calls, little heads up; they are NOT calling to see if you want to get back together.
5- Work out/ make-over- Your new goal in life should not be to get him/her back, but to look as attractive as possible to attract a new mate. Then when you “accidentally” break step 4, you will plant a seed of “did I do the right thing? Person X is looking really good,” in their mind that has a chance to grow into a mighty oak tree of regret. This is basic mental warfare, and you must win the mind games to win the break-up.
6- Hook up with one of their friends- this is a double edged sword of great idea-ness. It will make your ex feel as distraught as you are/were, all while fulfilling moving on physically with another person. The main goal should be there best friend, but if that is not possible go for one of their lesser friends. Everyone has that one friend that would hook-up with their friends ex, it is just about being able to spot which one it is.
7-Release a bird from the pet store- At this point you have burned bridges to the point you could never have a functional relationship with the person that broke your heart, so you might as well do a symbolic gesture to your new freedom. Also if the fates would have it, that bird might one day poop on your ex’s car, guarantying you get the last laugh.
This program is pretty much flawless and I am willing to bet you cannot find a better one out there. Actually I dare you to try.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Trunk Mystery
While running I have witnessed many things. I have been chased by numerous types of animals such as dogs, ducks, and the occasional cat. I have also encountered many people, but the guy I met a few years back takes the cake. I was running in the country which I tend to do from time to time, when a man driving a beat up blue Ford stops me. I assumed like most people that stop me while I am running, that he is looking for directions. That could not have been further from the truth. I look in the window and here is a guy that looks like he is straight out of the movie Deliverance, with a twisted 'I am up to no good look in his eyes.' He says to me, “Wanna see what’s in trunk?” Now at this point a normal person would piss themselves, say no, and sprint away. I look around the area and see that I am in the middle of nowhere and figure why not? What is the worst thing that could happen; I make the 11 o’clock news, maybe end up with some scars, or even get a horror movie based on actual events made in my honor. So the guy gets out of his car saunters around the back and pops open the trunk. At this point all that is going through my head is the final scene in the movie se7en. I am sure it is going to be the head of a woman or a disembodied man of the last person that ‘got shown the trunk.’ It was neither, but to my shock, it was a live beaver on a leash running around in his trunk. Yes, a creepy random guy interrupted my run to show me his beaver. There is a lesson to be learned here, actually probably a couple, but what I took away from this encounter is not that you shouldn’t talk to strangers that might want to wear your skin as a jacket, but that at no point should you ever have a beaver in your trunk, especially in the summer. That’s just cruel.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Problem Solving 101
In our lives we all encounter difficult problems that we have no idea how to solve. I have gone ahead and done you a massive favor and written down my secret fool proof 6 step plan to solving any problem, big or small… Your Welcome.
1- Hypotheticalize with friends and family- This is a great way to get input as well as save face. We have all done it, we have uttered the words, “So my friend’s friend accidentally ran over his girlfriend’s cat while he was house sitting, what should he do.” Maybe you haven’t uttered those exact words, but you get the idea. Chances are there are people that have been in this situation before and can help guide you out of it; I mean help guide your friend’s friend out of it.
2- Try duct tape- Solves more problems than you could ever imagine, although if you did run over your girlfriends cat, duct taping it back together, and setting it in the corner of the living room like nothing is wrong is probably not the greatest idea.
3-Deny and or Hide it- If you do not see that there is a problem does it actually exist? For example, you broke your arm and do not have health insurance. It is very easy just to duct tape your arm in place, take a bunch of aspirin and pretend that it didn’t happen.
4- Praying- Praying has been known to work on occasion, but usually only in life or death situations. Personally speaking, I don’t see God wasting his precious time fixing your older sister’s broken stilettos or bringing back your only wedding video that you accidentally recorded over with sorority sex kittens 5. Although it may bring your girlfriends cat back to life, for Jesus was kind of a big fan of doing stuff like that.
5- Drinking-Doesn’t actually solve the problem, but if done right, can cause you to black out and temporarily forget your problem. There is also the potential of solving the problem while thinking in a different state of mind. Although be warned, this step does have the potential to create bigger problems, by either not reaching the blackout stage, but instead you end up focusing on your problem or you might actually try to drunkenly solve your problem and compact the situation.
6-Make a bigger problem that over shadows your previous problem (The OJ Simpson)- For example, if you can’t figure out how to get out of a DWI or DUI, Go out and murder someone. You will find that your drinking and driving charge really isn’t that big of a problem anymore, hiding the body and/or preparing your defense is much more dire. Also, when people talk about you behind your back they will not be calling you a drunk. I have dubbed my sixth and final step in problem solving The OJ Simpson, due to him famously using it, to help America forget that he is a murderer, by becoming an OJ memorabilia thief.
If for some reason you follow all these steps and you still cannot solve the problem at hand, you have obviously come across the chicken or the egg dilemma and there is no actual solution. Sorry.
1- Hypotheticalize with friends and family- This is a great way to get input as well as save face. We have all done it, we have uttered the words, “So my friend’s friend accidentally ran over his girlfriend’s cat while he was house sitting, what should he do.” Maybe you haven’t uttered those exact words, but you get the idea. Chances are there are people that have been in this situation before and can help guide you out of it; I mean help guide your friend’s friend out of it.
2- Try duct tape- Solves more problems than you could ever imagine, although if you did run over your girlfriends cat, duct taping it back together, and setting it in the corner of the living room like nothing is wrong is probably not the greatest idea.
3-Deny and or Hide it- If you do not see that there is a problem does it actually exist? For example, you broke your arm and do not have health insurance. It is very easy just to duct tape your arm in place, take a bunch of aspirin and pretend that it didn’t happen.
4- Praying- Praying has been known to work on occasion, but usually only in life or death situations. Personally speaking, I don’t see God wasting his precious time fixing your older sister’s broken stilettos or bringing back your only wedding video that you accidentally recorded over with sorority sex kittens 5. Although it may bring your girlfriends cat back to life, for Jesus was kind of a big fan of doing stuff like that.
5- Drinking-Doesn’t actually solve the problem, but if done right, can cause you to black out and temporarily forget your problem. There is also the potential of solving the problem while thinking in a different state of mind. Although be warned, this step does have the potential to create bigger problems, by either not reaching the blackout stage, but instead you end up focusing on your problem or you might actually try to drunkenly solve your problem and compact the situation.
6-Make a bigger problem that over shadows your previous problem (The OJ Simpson)- For example, if you can’t figure out how to get out of a DWI or DUI, Go out and murder someone. You will find that your drinking and driving charge really isn’t that big of a problem anymore, hiding the body and/or preparing your defense is much more dire. Also, when people talk about you behind your back they will not be calling you a drunk. I have dubbed my sixth and final step in problem solving The OJ Simpson, due to him famously using it, to help America forget that he is a murderer, by becoming an OJ memorabilia thief.
If for some reason you follow all these steps and you still cannot solve the problem at hand, you have obviously come across the chicken or the egg dilemma and there is no actual solution. Sorry.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Your Welcome World
I am officially returning back to the wonderful world of blogging. I am titling this pet project of mine “Live Free or Blog Hard.” I am taking a whole new approach this time. It is going to cover a little bit of everything, serious stuff, light hearted stuff, opinions, maybe a few reviews of random objects, all of it being fairly pointless, yet entertaining to myself. I currently have 50 plus pages of stuff I have written since I retired from blogging that I was saving for a book, but I have decided to ‘release’ some of what I have written. I also plan on re-editing and updating some stuff from my old blog at ( http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=wassieoverthelineornot ), but most of the posts will be new and fresh. I assume people have some questions of why I am un-retiring. So here are some ‘frequently asked questions that I hypothetically asked myself.”
Why did I decide to return to blogging?
-I have been thinking of returning to Blogging since January, as a way to help organize all my thoughts and ideas. I also enjoy the voyeuristicness (made up word number 1 of the new blog) of exposing ones mental self to the world. I decided to make the final jump and actually do it, when I was trying to think of a spring resolution and couldn’t settle on anything, so I decided to make writing more my spring resolution and what better way to do that, then in blog format.
Has my spelling and grammar improved?
-No it has not, but I am going to try harder to proof read before I post. Also I may try and find some sort of proof reader/editor. So if interested, apply within.
How frequently am I going to post?
-My plan is to post something every other day, but that might increase or decrease depending on how busy I get and if I have anything that is actually worth saying.
Can other people comment on my posts?
-I believe I have this set up so anyone can comment on a post, even if you don’t have a blog. So feel free to comment on whatever, you want, I enjoy feedback, even if it is negative and you are wrong.
What is my end goal of project “Live Free or Blog Hard”
-The goal is to see what doors, windows, or secret compartments open up to me from sharing my thoughts, ideas, and skewed views of life, love, and liberty. Basically I just want to throw a bunch of stuff into a microwave, turn it on and see what explodes out of it, metaphorically speaking of course. What’s the worst that could happen?
My final thought, read if you want, or don’t read, neither really fazes me, for I am doing this for me and me alone. I am not trying to sell anything or float around propaganda. I am not trying to convert people over to my way of thinking or trying to start some sort of grass roots campaign against the cruel treatment of beavers or anything like that. There is no message, no point. So enjoy.
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